Oh, the randomness...

What do we carry?

2009-03-17T08:53:00.001-04:00

This past weekend I picked up the new Snow Patrol album. Overall I really enjoy it, but the first song is definitely my favorite. There is a line in there… “the fire, the fire: you can only take what you can carry.”

That really got me thinking. I remember in high school, a good ice-breaker question was always “if your house was on fire and you could only save 3 things, what would they be and why?" And it was always tough to imagine the 3 things you would carry out with you if you had to. It seems each person always picked their pet, their Bible (at church functions it would have to be a Bible, hello!!), and then girls picked photo albums and guys picked their baseball card collection (or something equally sexist-ha!).

The other night I was dealing with a lot of the crap I carry around with me, things that clutter up my mind. A key word in that sentence is the word ‘choose’: because I am NOT victim to these things…the truth is that I choose them. We all make choices on what to carry with us.

We can choose to carry fear. We can choose anxiety. We can choose to believe and accept lies, or we can choose to accept and believe truth. We can choose peace. We can choose community. Or we can choose to believe we’ll never be lovable and thus choose to hold people at a distance and therefore be alone. We can choose to fully live, or we can choose to crowd out life with the weight of this world. We can choose bitterness, or forgiveness. Hate or reconciliation. Emptiness or fullness. Being broken, or being whole.

You can only take what you can carry.

What are you carrying that you need to let go of? Hurt from that one person in the past. The bitterness of dreams that have been left behind or steered away from. The belief that you can never be whole. The fear of letting go of the crutch of that belief you can never be whole. Fear of being known. Fear of being unknown.

Be gentle to yourself. Don’t carry more than you can handle. Don’t carry things that will weigh you down and clutter you unnecessarily. Instead, carry the things that bring you life. The memory of your child’s first word. Your first date with the one you love. Your best friends’ jokes that always make you cry from laughing so hard. The truth, that God loves you and wants you to love this world and all of his people.

RENT

2009-02-25T08:29:00.001-05:00

This past weekend I saw RENT the musical. Finally! Wow, it was incredible. And I got to share it with my wonderful boyfriend, which made it even more amazing.

Afterwards I was thinking about which character I most identify with. Is it the impulsive and feisty Mimi? Some would say yes. Or do I identify with Angel, the one who brought the group together and gave of herself regardless of how anyone treated her? Well, I certainly wish I was more like that. Or am I Roger, recovering from something tragic, something I need to move on from and stop being victim to…but want to still hide behind? Perhaps somewhat. But sadly, I think for me, I am most like Mark. The one who longs for community and gets caught up in it at times, but doesn’t create it himself and finds a way to stay on the outside. It’s like a false sense of belonging – surrounded by people, but finding a way to be on the outside. For him it’s a video camera. For me, I don’t know what I use. Excuses? Work? Busyness.

Sometimes I feel how Mark's character does. I see a musical like RENT, and I desperately crave those sorts of friendships. And a group that loves and supports and challenges like they do. And I have groups of friends who indeed do that, but I can’t let myself fully enter into them. I hold back. Stay reserved. Sitting on the sidelines and entering in on my terms, when I want, how I want.

And it makes me wonder...how much community out there is 'real'? Or are there many "Mark's" in this world? Sometimes the thing I've thought was true community was actually a group of people afraid of stepping out beyond their safe & secure walls to be known by, and to know, others. Not all community is real. And I suppose that not all community is worth being a part of.

It would be an interesting study, because more often than not, I have a hunch most people would self-identify with Mark and feel on the 'outside' of their community...when many others within the community would look at that same person as an integral part of it.

What do you think?

All or Nothing

2009-02-05T11:58:00.003-05:00

I've been thinking about this concept a lot lately. More and more, I think I understand what the term "jealous God" means. Anyway, I was reading the beginning of this new book and some of the language really stuck out to me.

"Sometimes we're afraid to talk to God this way—like Job crying out in the night on the ash heap behind his house, like the psalmist treading water in the dark, like a furious teenager, welded into bed with a broken neck and bolts in her head. We repress those murky, edgy emotions about our suffering. We choose to be polite, speaking sanitized words, or not speaking at all. We bottle up our troubling questions and unspeakable feelings toward God, hiding behind an orthodox, evangelical glaze as we "give it all over to the Lord."

Except that we haven't. It's a lie and a ruse.

And He knows that too.

Why would God rather have our anger, our venom, our rage, our cry of desolation rather than our measured, controlled, even-tempered, theologically correct prayer?

It's all about the heart. Over and over again in Scripture you can hear God saying, "Give Me your heart or nothing at all."

God doesn't have time to play games. He wants reality.

----------------------------

Sometimes brokenhearted people say harsh things. Sometimes some toxic cynicism or long-repressed anger can spurt out of a lacerated heart. The Lord knows that...and wants to be close anyway. Sometimes bitter emotions and acid words can ooze from a crushed spirit. The Lord understands that, as well...and draws near to comfort.

The fact is, gut-wrenching questions honor God. Despair directed at His throne is a way of encountering Him, opening ourselves up to the one and only Someone who can actually do something about our plight. And whether we collide head-on with Him or simply bump up against Him in the dark, we cannot be the same.

We never are when we experience God.

Take your grievances directly to the Lord, which means moving toward the Lord. Go ahead and vent disappointment, express hurt, and even question the goodness of the Almighty. But whatever you do, don't badmouth Him to others. Please don't sow seeds of discord or incite rebellion among friends against God. Don't talk behind His back. Engage Him, head on.

When you think about it, the people you really get angry with are the ones you trust most deeply. "I am mad as a hornet, God, and I don't understand what you are doing one bit!" sounds like the dark side of trust, but it is trust nonetheless."

-A Lifetime of Wisdom: Embracing the Way God Heals You Joni Eareckson Tada 2008

Anyway, in here she repeats the idea that God wants it all. He wants all of our hearts and emotions and fears and joys etc. etc. That notion has been very freeing for me, because I've wondered who is strong enough to really see my darkness and still want all of me. God. I knew that intellectually, but not in my heart.

I loved this part "give me your heart or nothing at all". And I guess I think that should be true in any close relationship. I don't want to be held at a distance, and don't want to hold at a distance.

Anyway, hope it gets you thinking today... :)

Lost

2009-02-03T17:29:00.002-05:00

I have to admit, I love this Coldplay song. The lyrics appear simple on the surface, but there is much going on underneath it all. And it's so poignantly written. it's impacted me so thought I'd share. Enjoy!

Just because I'm losing
Doesn't mean I'm lost
Doesn't mean I'll stop
Doesn't mean I'm across

Just because I'm hurting
Doesn't mean I'm hurt
Doesn't mean I didn't get what I deserved
No better and no worse
I just got lost!

Every river that I tried to cross
Every door I ever tried was locked
Ohhh and I'm just waiting til the shine wears off

You might be a big fish
In a little pond
Doesn't mean you've won
'Cause along may come
A bigger one
And you'll be lost!

Every river that you tried to cross
Every gun you ever held went off
Ohhh and I'm just waiting til the firing's stopped
Ohhh and I'm just waiting til the shine wears off

Coldplay, Lost

Paint

2009-01-05T12:20:00.001-05:00

So, this weekend I was painting. A lot. Man, I forget how much work it can be! My entire upstairs is quite possibly the worst drywall job ever, and so first I had to prep the walls by plastering them and sanding them. And even then, I likely should have done even more! Then I had to clean them – my upstairs bathroom doesn’t seem to get good ventilation and the walls get so dirty with mildew. (Eeew! I know.) So I cleaned them and then to prevent future mold outbreaks, I wiped them all down with bleach.

Once that all dried, I could do my primer! I had to buy a special kind, to help with the mold/mildew problem. So on the second day, two coats of that and I still have speckled arms – it’s tough stuff! Then the 3rd day I painted the ceiling – two coats on Saturday. Finally, Sunday, my favorite…I got to do 2 coats of the light green paint on the walls. It looks so nice now! I really should put new white paint on all the trim to touch it up and finish it off, but I’m quite frankly ready to get out of my house and be around people again. :)

And it’s amazing what a fresh coat of paint can do to make things look nicer.

Finished.

More…put together.

But, would it have been as good had I just painted and not done all the prep work? The cleaning, taping, bleaching, plastering, sanding…no, it wouldn’t have been. It might have looked nice on the outside, but underneath would be all this stuff. And I might get some of the green paint on the white trim without the tape, making it just a little less nice.

How true this is of our inner beings! We all have mold and mildew that can creep up into our soul, holes in the walls of our hearts…and many times it’s easier to just paint over them.

New clothes.
A new haircut.
New job.
New location.
New friends.

But no matter what, it will always just be a layer of paint that fades away over time, revealing once again the mold and mildew of our being that was never removed.

My friends, don’t settle for the paint. DO the hard work of cleaning out that mold. Scrub away until the mildew is gone and has no chance of coming back. Repair the holes of your heart.

Only then are we ready to painted with newness, with hope, with life and with joy.

Better Way

2008-12-30T15:38:00.003-05:00

Song lyrics are life-defining for me. Sometimes I think music means more to me than it should but regardless, here are some lyrics that sum up beliefs of mine better than I could do on my own. :)

I'm a living sunset
Lightning in my bones
Push me to the edge
But my will is stone

'Cause I believe in a better way!

Fools will be fools
And wise will be wise
But i will look this world
Straight in the eyes

I believe in a better way!
I believe in a better way!

What good is a man
Who won't take a stand
What good is a cynic
With no better plan

I believe in a better way!
I believe in a better way!

Reality is sharp
It cuts at me like a knife
Everyone i know
Is in the fight of their life

I believe in a better way!

Take your face out of your hands
And clear your eyes
You have a right to your dreams
And don't be denied

I believe in a better way!I believe in a better way!I believe in a better way!

Ben Harper, Better Way

Love begets Love

2008-12-15T15:46:00.000-05:00

This is something I’ve really been thinking about, and so you’re welcome to dive into my new theory with me. But I apologize in advance – it can be rough the first time you dialogue through a new theory!

As I sit here typing this, at my desk, I am surrounded my reminders of the people I love. A picture of Ruthie and Ember and I in Nashville is to my right, me/Tom/the Relevant crew is up to my left, and Kim surrounds me on both sides. My family is also here as are the most precious girls in the world, my college roomies. And then on the wall behind me is the collage of senior pictures of my beloved LifeLine girls. It’s so crazy – for in a few months they will no longer be in my youth group, but will officially be becoming adults and they will finally, simply, be my friends.

Love is such a multi-faceted word. It summarizes the deep knowledge and intimacy with another person, and the choosing to honor, respect, and trust them no matter what. And sometimes it’s really easy to love people, sometimes it’s not. Sometimes people disappoint us, let us down, hurt our feelings, leave us out, forget to call back, hang out with our friends but without us, etc. etc. I know I’ve been that friend that has forgotten to call back, or who has disappointed those I love most, and the list goes on. That’s why love is a risky choice – there are no guarantees that it will be pain-free. In fact, in many ways one could argue that it will definitely be pain-full at times, but that there is still such beauty in the pain.

Anyway, I’ve always grown up a very curious person, always absorbing the environment around me more than people realize. I’m such a sponge – I soak everything in and carry it around in this over-worked brain of mine until there is a time I need to pull it out and examine it. One thing that I’ve always really enjoyed watching are relationships: romantic ones, parent to child ones, teacher/student ones, Christian ones, etc. And it seems to me that there is always this common denominator that with love comes a tendency to control. That there is a fear of love leaving, and when we sense that, we reach out and grab tighter and we punish or don’t give love when we feel we’re not receiving it.

I think that’s a bad model. A terrible one. First off, it teaches that love can be controlled, even worse that it SHOULD be controlled. I don’t agree with that at all. Love is a choice. It’s a daily choice, sometimes hourly. :) It cannot be controlled. It should not be tamed, it should not be controlled – it needs to be free to express itself. It needs to be free to not choose to love back. Secondly, it’s selfish. And oh boy, have I selfishly done this in the past: when I don’t feel loved back, it’s easy to then withhold love. To emotionally punish. But all that does is hurt the person, hurt myself, and hurt my relationship with God.

So instead, I’ve been working through and testing this new theory of mine: that love begets love. That even in the heat of an argument, a loving response will not only calm things down but it will also be so powerful that it must elicit a response of love. I just more and more am convinced that love begets love. That love is such a powerful force, that nothing is outside the redemption of God’s love, his perfect love. And that it is that love that we are called to emulate. And it is this love that repairs fragmented relationships, nurtures a healthy self-esteem, heals past wounds…it is this love that shows Christ to the world.

So in my life, what does that look like? Well, it looks to me like serving others well. It looks like loving my girls enough that I confront them on dangerous life patterns, and that no matter what they throw at me that I love them through it. That when they pull away, I don’t retaliate and do the same. It means loving my mom through the hardest times and not punishing her in the same ways she punishes the rest of our family. It means loving J well, and simply pouring out an abundance of love – not to get the same love back, but simply out of a desire to love well. I do think that ‘romantic’ love is the toughest challenge of all – I think it’s the relationship that for most of us it’s the hardest to be selfless. But once again, my theory would say that instead of focusing on taking and making sure “my needs are met”, that out of giving an abundance of love to someone that they can’t help but also give an abundance of love back.

So hopefully this all makes sense. It’s just something that’s been on my mind and I had to get down on paper. Er…computer. :)

Abundant Life

2008-12-10T11:09:00.002-05:00

Sorry, all my faithful blog readers :), that I’ve been gone so long.

I’ve been thinking a lot about so many things, yet struggling to find the time to write them all down. So today I’m going to focus on the idea of ‘abundant living’.

This has been borne out of many conversations over the past 2 weeks – at work, at church, and with friends/family. What does it truly mean to have abundant life in Jesus?

I’m pretty sure it comes down to the heart and to character. Some people would say that for a woman, an abundant life in Jesus happens when she is married, has children to serve, and leads a Bible Study group at church. (how cliche is that?) And for a guy, perhaps it’s found in a stable career, a loving wife to pack lunches every day, and children to provide for.

But I disagree. I believe that those things can happen IN an abundant life, but that they don’t dictate an abundant life.

Rather, I believe that abundant life comes down to things such as:
1) Do you find yourself in communion and relationship with Jesus?
2) Are you constantly pursuing growth and forward motion, instead of settling for complacency?
3) Are you as happy alone as you are with people? Or for some of us (hello, introverts!) are you as happy with people as you are alone?
4) Do you find joy in the smallest things and the helping of people?

For me, it comes down to characteristics more than circumstances.

I know many people who are married who certainly do not have an abundant life, and wonder why on earth they don’t. They wonder what it will take. I know others who are married who are going through tough things with jobs and children and infertility and disease, who have an abundant life because of their heart and character and outlook.

I suppose this is on my mind because I’m struggling with some ‘career’ stuff. And work is a big part of my life…and a part of me feels a need to prove that I’m doing OK by having a job I love. By knowing I’m right where God wants me AND why he wants me there.

Yet right now, I don't feel that. I don't feel as though I have any clarity. And for some people surrounding me, it might say to them that my life isn't 'full' if I don't have a good sense of future direction.

However, I don’t believe this. And I don't believe that lack of clear career direction should stop me from having an abundant life. In fact, I believe that many times joyful abundance comes out of lack, ironically enough. I’m choosing to find abundance in doing a job well done, learning through the ‘place’ God has me in, serving my high school girls well, and loving my bf well.

So maybe in summary I’m saying that attitude has a big impact on living an abundant life?

Would love your thoughts…

Bridges vs. Walls

2008-11-18T14:34:00.001-05:00

“Bridges are, more beautiful than bombs are.”

In case you haven’t heard this beautiful song by Aaron Niequist, you need to. It’s called ‘Love Can Change the World’ and it’s lyrics and music are wonderful. I feel like this song, more than any I’ve ever heard, shows the true posture of worship. And of course, I’m gonna like any song that says love can change the world, because that’s my life mantra. :)

Anyway, this Sunday pastor Jeff at one point said a phrase that really stuck out to me: “If God is building a bridge, are you going to continue building a wall?” Man. I think that statement is really convicting. We, as Christians, are so guilty of often building walls where God is busy building bridges. I think about this a lot with ‘the fringe’ in our society – or as my friend Doug puts it, the ‘left out, left behind, and the let down in us all’. How often do we as Christians build walls around ourselves to protect against those who are ‘different’ from us, while meanwhile God is building bridges into their hearts? It makes me really sad to think about all the times in my life that I have done this, either intentionally or unintentionally.

I had a conversation today with someone very close to me, about why I’m passionate about getting involved with H/AS (HIV/AIDS Services). For me, it’s building a bridge. It’s about loving my brother and sister, and seeing them how God sees them. And while this person made valid points and counterpoints, and while they’re entitled to their own opinion, it made me sad. Because where I see bridges being made in the Christian community, here I saw a wall.

And I’m not sure what to do with it.

Deck the Halls

2008-11-17T16:20:00.000-05:00

So, it’s early. To be Christmasing…and yet I am. :) I suppose I’ve never followed any conventional rules, and this is no different. I just wanted to have my girls help with the tree, and it was the only weekend I had for it.

So on Saturday, after a refreshing time of raking leaves (I love being outside in crisp air!) 5 of my 6 LifeLine girls came over. We hung out, made hot cocoa and choc chip cookies, and then decorated my Christmas tree. It was such a fun, vibrant time!

I realized at one moment that I was choking back tears, tears of happiness. Because I looked around, and here is Jess dancing around in the Christmas tree skirt, singing at the top of her lungs. Chloe is hanging ornaments, Katie is sprawled on the couch and Kirsten has her legs dangling over the side of the chair, drinking her cocoa. And my heart just swelled. It might not make sense to many people, but for me, the best compliment is when people feel comfortable in my house. Because that means I’ve effectively made it into a home.

And that’s a big thing to me. Another way of redeeming my past is to make sure I’m intentional about ‘comfort’ and ‘welcome’ in my future. And seeing my girls just enjoy being at my house, and feeling free to completely be themselves – well, it told me I’m going in the right direction.

Another interesting thing that happened was when two of my girls accidentally broke Christmas ornaments. (Funny thing is, if I had done this myself WAY more than 2 would have broken! So they felt bad, when in reality they actually broke less than I do.) The one girl immediately felt bad, and got upset and apologized. I told her it was fine, but she said “oh, but I’m sorry! I broke it. If my mom were here, she would be mad at me and say ‘Jessie, you broke that because you were goofing around and you shouldn’t do that.’” And that broke my heart, because already her mom’s voice is that record player in her heart and her mind. And it’s a critical voice. True, she was goofing around. But it was a party, a time MEANT for goofing around. Anyway, we talk a lot in LifeLine about the lies we have in our tape player, and the truths we need to replace them with. My prayer is that as her youth leader, I’m replacing some of those lies with truths. And so I kindly but firmly looked her in the eye and said “Jess, it’s OK. I don’t mind that you broke it, and I’m not mad. Let me vacuum it up, and then let’s get back to having some serious fun!” A small thing, and maybe it made no difference. But I wanted her to see that love isn’t based on following rules or not breaking things or acting a certain way. I love her, and the ornament is just a thing.

It’s replaceable.
She is not.

Sisterhood

2008-11-14T11:13:00.002-05:00

So, I’m a pretty open person. Any of you who know me know that – I’m quite often an open book, cannot hide my opinions/thoughts/feelings ever (though amazingly, I CAN have a great poker face if I focus really hard!!) But for some reason there is one part of my life that I really don’t discuss with others. Even my closest friend – she never hears me talk about this. Or even when I do, it’s short and void of emotion.

I miss my sisters.

There, I said it. To the maybe 5 people who read this blog. :)

I’m not sure why it’s so scary for me to talk about it. My guesses are that because 4 years ago it was so emotional to find my birth mom’s side of the family, and it was so overwhelming to meet these amazing girls who now have no mother or role model or ‘big sister’ to lean on…and I carry some guilt that I live in Michigan and haven’t up & moved to Raleigh. Oh, I’ve thought about it many a time. But how do I love one family in that way without hurting the family I have here in MI? The one that raised me and provided for me and took me around the world and opened my eyes to who Jesus is?

And because I feel paralyzed by this strange connection and love for these girls while remaining overwhelmed by the emotions and responsibility of it all, I do nothing about it. I don’t call enough. I don’t send letters enough. I haven’t been back to see them. I feel like the most terrible big sister in the world. And if they only knew how much I care about them, pray for them, talk about them – I mean, brag about them and how amazing they are… But they’ll never know until I overcome this ‘thing’ that holds me back.

Why am I so afraid to love them? To give my time and energy to them? Is it because I know I can’t save them, that I’m ultimately not their mom? Is it because I’m so afraid of opening that well of emotion again? Am I scared still about feeling mad at God again for all that’s happened with ‘family’ in my life?

So here is why I don’t talk about it – it’s tiring. Emotionally tiring. And because, I promise that the minute I begin talking about it and seriously diving into this, tears will come. And I don’t think they will stop for some time. And quite honestly, I’m not ready for that.

I’ve been considering a spiritual retreat. 1 or 2 days, alone at some cabin to walk in nature, read my Bible (and other great books – I knew where I can find a few of those!), NOT have my cell phone (gasp!) and to pray and journal and work through some things. This being one of them. Maybe I need to do that sooner than later, we’ll see.

*sigh

Back to work. This is what I'm getting paid to do right now, not sit and ponder. :)

Somebody to Someone

2008-11-07T08:11:00.000-05:00

“One of the greatest diseases is to be nobody to anybody.” –Mother Theresa

I was thinking about this quote this morning after some events that made me feel, for a brief moment in time, like nobody to anybody. Which is interesting, because I fully believe that only I give the power to people to let them make me feel that way.

But still, how many people are on this earth who feel like they’ve never been truly seen? Truly loved? Truly been somebody to someone?

More than we know.

Maybe me.

Maybe you.

Interpersonal dynamics are so fascinating to me. How much do we watch out for our friends, our brothers and sisters, to make sure they don’t feel like nobodies? Most of us don’t really do this well. And sometimes, even in the closest of friend circles, people can feel left out and left behind. Whether it’s in the way we sit, closing them off to the rest of the conversation. Or whether it’s how we respond when they’re talking – we can either make them feel like their contribution is valuable, or like they’re an alien from another planet. Or when they have different views from our own: we can either make them feel inferior or dumb or wrong, or we can respectfully discuss and validate them as human beings who can think their own thoughts and make their own decisions.

This Wednesday night our youth group served dinner over at the Stockbridge Boiler Room. I saw a woman who I’d met the week before – I don’t know if she’s homeless but she’s definitely, by worldly standards, poor. When I saw her, I saw a glint of recognition in her eyes: she remembered me too. I had a choice in that moment: politely say hello and keep my safe distance, or embrace her as my sister in Christ. To know that she is a very important somebody to God, and that she deserves to feel seen and heard.

It wasn’t easy. I shouted her name and gave her a big hug, and then stood there talking with her, our arms resting casually about each other’s shoulders. She reaked of alcohol, and I was grateful in that moment for my lack of sense of smell. But still, the smell was overwhelming. But I held on, because Mother Theresa has said, and I’ve seen it with my own eyes, that touch is one of the best forms of love. No one feels more lovely than when they are touched – no one feel more repulsive than when people don’t or won’t touch them.

I didn’t do much. I simply had a great conversation with a woman who is not normally in my ‘circle’. Someone I wouldn’t have met on my own. I’m not a hero, really. But for this woman, for one moment in time, she was somebody to someone. She was embraced and loved.

I challenge each of us to consider this, and to live our lives seeking ways to make people feel like somebodies to us.

Detours

2008-11-03T16:00:00.002-05:00

Church was amazing on Sunday. In so many ways – not only was Jeff articulate and expressive and challenging while being encouraging like he so often is, but later that night at youth group there were so many things that did my heart good. Working with other leaders to help our students, seeing the students grow, seeing people passionately giving time and energy to help young minds and hearts. It’s truly incredible to step back and watch it happen, let alone be a part of it.

One of the things Jeff talked about Sunday was being on a ‘detour’, and how we have two options. We can either resent it and question it and sit until it passes us by; potentially missing opportunities to learn, to grow, to bless others, to see a new characteristic of God, etc. Or we can embrace it, and say we don’t know why we’re in this detour, but we aren’t going to put life on hold. We’re not going to wait to help others, or grow, or see God, or be his hands and feet.

I was on a detour recently. It was an interesting one, because it was an emotional detour. I think I’m just on my way out of the detour (though who really knows) and one thing I’ve found is that I am the only one who can push forward and make the choice to not put life on hold. I did that a lot this weekend, actually. It would have been easier to give into the detour, and waste an opportunity to spend time with my roommate, to run outside in the crisp autumn air, to fellowship with friends at LifeLine, to talk to God about some stuff.

I kinda like detours. They remind me that I’m NOT in control, and I need that reminder from time to time. :)

In other news, I’ve been thinking a lot about the question ‘who are you?’ I feel , like I’m sure many do, that there are two parts to Melinda. There is the one side of me that is over-diligent, super-disciplined, struggles to relax, budget-conscious, type-A, a bit uptight, a little bit critical, etc. etc. This is the part of me that got me through Calvin while running and while leading the business forum. This is also the part of me that has gotten me where I am in my career, and that helped me push through my MBA when times were tough.

But then there is this side of me that is so carefree and spontaneous. The part of me that dances for 4 hours at Bottom40, the part of me that loves being a youth leader because I get to foster the loving side of me while putting the critical side on hold. The part of me that walks over to the Alger Middle School park and swings for hours. The part that sings out loud when I listen to my iPod while running.

These two opposites are both me. But if asked which is the real me, I don’t know what I’d answer. Because they both are.

Does anyone else ever feel like they are two people at once?

Funerals

2008-10-30T17:40:00.000-04:00

I went to a funeral today. It was my aunt’s dad (she’s not a biological aunt) and it was, like most funerals, sad and also joyful as people celebrated his life and his time here on earth. People spoke about their favorite things about this man, and celebrated his character and personality.
It got me thinking: what would I want people to say about me at my funeral? How do I want to be remembered?

I want to be remembered for loving others well. Not necessarily in the sense that I was always with my friends and loving them, but that when I was with them, they knew they were loved so deeply and that they had a special place in my heart. This is how I want people to feel around me.

I’d like to be remembered as someone who overcame obstacles. As a girl who had some tough stuff handed to her in this life, but as a girl who was determined to not let it beat her. To not stay in the same spot, but to relentlessly pursue forward motion.

I’d like to be remembered as kind, gentle, and generous. And very, very loyal.

Most of all, I want to be remembered as a passionate Jesus-follower. And I would hope that everyone at that funeral would know…I did none of these things on my own, but only through God’s grace and strength.

It’s good to think about these things, because it means if I want to be remembered for being that way, I need try everyday to live that way.

What do you want to be remembered for?

A Turtle and her Shell

2008-10-29T08:17:00.002-04:00

Ever suddenly find yourself wanting to retreat back in your shell? Like, you’ve come out of it, this time for quite some time, and suddenly you fear you’ve exposed too much of who you are to other people?

Many people get scared when they fly in airplanes. It’s a control thing – they hate feeling like if something were to happen, they are powerless to stop it. I, however, am the total opposite. If I’m in a plane crash, I likely wouldn’t really freak out. Because I’d be able to accept it, and know I couldn’t do anything to prevent it –that I wasn’t in control. Same with car accidents – if I’m driving and hurt someone else, I couldn’t handle it. I just couldn’t. But…if I were to be riding with someone else and get in an accident? Fine, because once again I wasn’t in control.

I used to think this was a good thing. Like, “oh look at me, I’m not a control freak!” But instead, I’ve come to realize that I think it alludes to the fact that I don’t like being responsible for my decisions because I’m so afraid of making mistakes. I really, really think that the reason I don’t mind ‘handing control’ over to someone else is that I’ve done it most of my life. And it’s really scary for me to think about taking back that control.

And so what’s weird for me is that I’ve been making many steps (make that huge strides), to separate myself from the people that I let control my life…and yet I have friends pushing me to do so even more. And it’s scary. And one of the ways in which I have taken some healthy control is really choosing who my friends are – the ones I can sit down on the couch with and vulnerably tell them my thoughts and opinions on things. (Yeah, Anne, I am picturing last night!! haha) Which is great. But so then when I start to fear that I’ve shared too much of myself, and opened up the big, complicated picture of what makes me, me…I start to panic. Because I’m in control of that choice, and that means I have to deal with the resulting emotions/consequences.

The funny thing is, I’m making good choices these days. And the people I am vulnerable with? Well, I can trust them to see the good and the bad, and not split them. Not to love me only for when I’m funny and intelligent and witty, but also when I’m struggling with doubts or irrational fears or when I’m being mean or cranky. But for some reason, that fear has crept back in. And it’s making me really scared to be open with people. And that’s not a good thing.

I’m gonna fight this as hard as I can. I’m going to still go to social events where I will see my friends, even if I feel exposed. Even if the more I spend time with them, the more I will be honest and vulnerable about who I am.

After all, the best way to glorify God is to remember that there are things that we, as humans, cannot ever do on our own. That can only happen through him. For me, I believe that learning to like myself and not keep the ‘bad’ and the ‘good’ separate, is something that only happened because of God’s grace and strength, not my own. And I’m in a new fight now – to stay connected and vulnerable when it is the scariest thing in the world. Because once again, that can only happen by God’s grace and strength.

Looking In

2008-10-25T14:39:00.001-04:00

So…where to begin. I’d fallen off the blogging wagon, mostly because it became scary at one point to realize people were reading my innermost thoughts and struggles. And that’s because I can’t write any other way. You don’t get ‘Melinda, Censored’ when you read this. You get the real stuff that’s going on inside. But people encourage me to keep writing, so I’m back. And I’m loaded with questions, ideas, struggles, answers, and musings. So dive in if you dare…

The past few weeks/months have been interesting. I’ve been noticing a downward slide in my life, in terms of my relationship with God. True, I haven’t been reading the Bible enough. I always struggle with that. (And no, the irony of that is not lost on me.) :) However, it’s like suddenly, I feel like God is so far away.

I’ve been doing things to take me to a place in my life that I want to be in. I want a tighter community, no more chasing after 40 people and trying to make room for them and to be filled by them. There are some people I still want to get to know more, but overall I’ve decided that instead of being spread so thin that my close friends get the leftovers, I want to realize what is important to me and go after it.

The great irony of this is that by doing this, I have a lot more free time that I am alone. And while I definitely need some alone time, it’s starting to be almost too much. And I’m not sure why! Why is it that I don’t like to be alone? Or is it just the time that I’m alone – Friday and Saturday nights? That is when most people are being social, and here I am alone. Is it because of my budget? Is it because I don’t reach out enough? Is it because people have their own friends and routines and they don’t want to change them?

Well, I feel stuck. Nothing in my life seems to be changing. But the weird thing is…I feel like I should feel sad all the time. With the things I’m wrestling through, and feeling, I swear I should feel sad and feel like I don’t want to get out of bed. I should be depressed. In the past, that is how I would have felt in times like this. But I don’t. Which is a great thing – because I think it’s means I’m growing in my trust in God. I heard a quote at the orange conference today: does God value trust in Him more than anything else? And you know what, I think so. Bible story after Bible story shows his people in the midst of hardship, now knowing the outcome, but they trusted God. I want to be a living example of what it means to follow Jesus, and I believe that a big part of that is not crumpling when times are tough.

And I heard today this idea: “People need to fear the pain of lost opportunity (which happens when we don’t step out in trust), rather than fearing personal emotional pain of going through hard times.” That hit me hard. Because I’m not afraid to be in this place. I’m not afraid of being in emotional pain. What I do fear is people not understanding or caring that I am in this place. I have very few outlets I can be gut-level honest with about this stuff. I can only name 4 people (hey, maybe 4 is a lot and I’m lucky, I dunno.) These 4 people are people that if I’m going through stuff like this, I can show it. I can remove the mask, let the tears out, and know they won’t judge me. They will still love me, even in moments I forget how to love myself. But that quote really woke me up, because I don’t think I fear the missed opportunities. I am so afraid to step out in faith and change something about my life. Like moving, or changing jobs, or selling a house, etc. etc.

Maybe it’s this fear that is making me not ‘feel’ God?

Another thing that came to light recently is that as much as I feel I’ve forgiven my mom for stuff from the past (and stuff that will inevitably happen)…what has recently resurfaced is a bitterness towards God for giving me to that family. I don’t understand why He placed me where he did. Some people have their theories, and true, I believe it has sharpened my ability to understand and empathize with people because I realize that under every mean or painful statement is someone who is hurting, just like you and I. But still, did I have to learn it that way? Parents are supposed to encourage their kids, tell them they are valuable just for existing, help them make friendships with others and help them spread their wings. Why did I get the hyper-critical mom who instead hurt my other relationships because she was so desperate to be #1? There’s more I could unpack behind that, but not right now.

So, honestly, I’m a bit mad at God. I can’t imagine why my life is the way it is – why this family was in the plan for me.

And irrationally, I think that my mom has an impact on my ability to date and be married. Sounds stupid to most, but I honestly can’t imagine why someone would pick me knowing what comes along with me. A big mess, and a trail of brokenness. I know my issues are not worse than anyone else’s, but I just know that most people who have met my Mom have said they could never enter into my family. They just couldn’t have someone like her in their life. So where does that leave me?

Anyway, God has been making some amazing change inside of me. He’s identifying what is broken, and working on repairing it. It’s painful at times. Sometimes (like yesterday), I revert and take 2 steps back. But even there, there is growth. For the person I chose to show my two steps back? Someone trustworthy, not someone who would use it against me. I used to have really bad judgment in that area of my life.

I’m determined to keep talking to God. To keep reading my Bible. To keep serving him, and to keep being diligent with the gifts he has given me. Just because I don’t feel him, doesn’t mean he isn’t there. I need to forgive him (or get past my selfishness) for stuff about my mom, and stop blaming him. That is probably the biggest factor. Like Brady said once, maybe the way back to God is actively living for him. So I am, and will continue to.

All I know is that I’ve moved into a place of self-acceptance, and I’m not going to lose that because of fear. So I’m stepping out, and hanging on.

Love Wins

2008-10-20T11:32:00.002-04:00

I've been really wrapped up in this song by Brett Dennen - the lyrics just move me so much. There are so many options in this world, so many different things we can follow. But ultimately, love wins. Enjoy the thoughtful lyrics from this beautiful song:

There ain’t no reason things are this way.
Its how they always been and they intend to stay.
I can't explain why we live this way, we do it everyday.
Preachers on the podium speakin’ of saints,
Prophets on the sidewalk beggin’ for change,
Old ladies laughing from the fire escape, cursing my name.
I got a basket full of lemons and they all taste the same,
A window and a pigeon with a broken wing,
You can spend your whole life workin’ for something
Just to have it taken away.
People walk around pushing back their debts,
Wearing pay checks like necklaces and bracelets,
Talking ‘bout nothing, not thinking ‘bout death,
Every little heartbeat, every little breath.
People walk a tight rope on a razors edge
Carrying their hurt and hatred and weapons.
It could be a bomb or a bullet or a pen
Or a thought or a word or a sentence.
There ain't no reason things are this way.
It's how they always been and they intend to stay
I don’t know why I say the things I say, but I say them anyway.

But love will come set me free
Love will come set me free, I do believe
Love will come set me free, I know it will
Love will come set me free, yes.

Prison walls still standing tall,
Some things never change at all.
Keep on buildin’ prisons, gonna fill them all,
Keep on buildin’ bombs, gonna drop them all.
Working your fingers bare to the bone,
Breaking your back, make you sell your soul.
Like a lung that’s filled with coal, suffocatin’ slow.
The wind blows wild and I may move,
The politicians lie and I am not fooled.
You don't need no reason or a three piece suit to argue the truth.
The air on my skin and the world under my toes,
Slavery stitched into the fabric of my clothes,
Chaos and commotion wherever I go, love I try to follow.

Love will come set me free
Love will come set me free, I do believe
Love will come set me free, I know it will
Love will come set me free, yes.

There ain't no reason things are this way
It’s how they always been and they intend to stay
I can't explain why we live this way, we do it everyday.

Changes

2008-10-16T10:57:00.000-04:00

It seems like lately, the only constant in my world is change. Health changes, friends change and move away, jobs change, co-workers change jobs, churches change, priorities change, relationships change, goals change, dreams change…It’s no wonder sometimes we get exhausted keeping up with all the changes!

I’ve changed a lot, myself. Not just the things around me, or the things that affect my every day (like my health, job, friends, etc.) but the very core, the very heart of me, has changed. I’ve got new priorities, new dreams, and many of them are just being discovered. I’ve been finding that I have more capacity for patience and kindness than I thought, and I’ve been really able to find contentment. And I like this woman I’m evolving into, and yet I feel something is missing. I don’t know what it is, but I wish I did. Maybe it’s something else inside that needs to change?

I’ve had a most interesting week. I was attending an awesome Christian conference that I usually get a lot of energy from. I found myself, though, feeling really detached and empty. Then I got some more health-related news and it just pushed me over the edge. Later that night I talked to God about it all, and eventually calmed down and came to realize that I will be OK. That this is a fleeting thing. That I am loved. And that that is enough. And the strangest thing is, the ‘harder’ life gets, the more and more I am convinced of and see God’s love. Despite the fear I sometimes have lately, I see more and more that I have no reason to fear. God did something big in my heart this week, just in a different way I would have ever imagined.
He’s changing me. From the inside out, and I’m resting in that. I’ll admit, I’m extremely weary right now. I feel I could sleep for a week straight and still be exhausted. And I don’t like this feeling. Because on the inside, I’m radiant and alive, yet my body fails the energy to show that.

So I’m asking God to keep working on the stuff on the inside, so that when my body is healed and I have the energy again, that I no longer feel empty in the way that I have the past few weeks. I’m glad I’ve found contentment, and what I want back now is the desire for more. The mission and passion for the things I’m involved in every day. And more than anything, I want the energy back so I can love my friends well.

May God be your every constant through the inevitable changes.

Can I Get a Witness?

2008-06-06T12:54:00.001-04:00

I’ve been watching the movie RENT again lately. A lot. I think the music from that play ties with my #1 favorite, Les Miserables. I’ve never seen a movie that brings me to tears as constantly and consistently as RENT does. I see so much redemption and love and so much of living the Gospel through this story about a rag-tag group of friends living a rough life in New York, many of them living with HIV, many with various sexual orientations. And in their stories, I see a lot of my Jesus.

One of my favorite choruses that is sung a couple of times in the movie goes like this:
“Will I lose my dignity
will someone care
will i wake tomorrow
from this nightmare”

These are people facing the fact that AIDS was not a well-known or understood disease at the time. Many were shunned from society because of it. It was the ‘outcast’ disease of its day: the leprosy, if you will. And they are scared that their life will pass by without witness, without meaning…that they will die an undignified death, and one without love or care.

Isn’t that what we all want? Someone to bear witness to our life? To say ‘you matter. You are important. To me. To us. To your maker.’

I know that is one of my core desires. I feel the saddest state of affairs is when a life gets lived unnoticed.
-Every homeless person on the streets that we walk by every day, not caring that this is their life and it shouldn’t have to be this way. We don’t see their stories, only the statistic.
-The recovering alcoholic/bulimic/self-injurer. Instead of seeing their life, we see their problems and the darkness they were living in. We don’t see how we can help bring light to a hurting place.
-The son or daughter whose parents don’t see them for who they are: but rather see them and try to make into who they want them to be. The life they want to see is their focus, but they miss out on the life that is being lived.

We only have one life. Don’t isolate yourself from others. Community is so important. And for those of us in community, let’s stop judging others for things, but instead bear witness to the life they are living and be a light when they don’t see any, be enough hope for when they have none, and encourage when they reach a new place. Believe me, this is a rally cry for me as much as you. I want to live my life knowing this day, this moment, this breath could be my last. As another RENT song says:
“There is no future
There is no past
I live this moment as my last
There's only us
There's only this
Forget regret
Or life is yours to miss
No other road
No other way
No day but today”

No day but today. Don’t wait to bear witness to others’ lives until it’s too late. And don’t be afirad to let others’ bear witness to your life.

And ultimately, don’t forget, we have our Father, our Maker, who is always bearing witness to our lives. Whose very existence is Love, and it is this Love that gives us the ability to know our lives are not in vain, that we are not living purposeless or meaningless lives, and that we are seen and loved for exactly who he created us to be.
That is hope enough for me.

Changing You, Changing Others

2008-06-06T12:30:00.002-04:00

You can’t make someone else change. Nothing you can do can make another person change.

That’s a tough concept for me. Especially when you see someone with so much potential for growth in their life, and you see clearly that God is putting things in their life for growth, but they aren’t choosing it.

But that does mean…the only person you can make change is yourself. What areas do you need to grow in? I’ve realized a couple of obvious ones for myself, particularly with limiting myself and limiting God.

I have such a hard time believing in myself. I know the things I am gifted with, but it’s hard for me to imagine I can really do ‘great things’ (defined in a variety of ways) with them. But that means I really am also doubting and limiting God. He can use anyone to do his work: the greatest and the least, the rich and the poor, the fundamentalist and the emergent. :)

I also realized lately that I quite often buy into the lie that God is holding out on me. “If only I had ‘this’, life would be better. My neighbor has ‘that’, why can’t I?” And I subconsciously place that on God and say that if he really loved me, he would give me these things. But that’s just not true. It’s because God loves me that I am exactly where I am, confusion and all. Confused about what is next in my life. What I’m supposed to do with my life. What God is calling me to.

The biggest lie that I’m buying into right now, and I know it eyes wide open though don’t know how to get past it, is that I can ever really be in a relationship with someone. Ha – I told one of my friends the other day that I don’t think I’m going to get married because I have too many issues for someone to deal with…and his response was priceless. “So, deal with them.” So straightforward and direct, and so true. It’s what I needed to hear. But more than that, I just don’t think I can do it.

Yesterday I spent time at one of my favorite local coffee shops, with one of the awesomest couples I know. They never make you feel uncomfortable to be around them; you never feel like a third wheel. Their love is so amazing it’s actually tangible in the air around them. I love that about them, and I love that their love for each other is something that I truly believe enables each of them to be used by Jesus even more. That is what I want in a relationship with someone. And yet, I left their somewhat sad because I can’t do it. I don’t know if I bring myself to ever open myself up to someone that much. Or if I believe I can have what they have. I don’t know, I just know that I really, really don’t believe I can do it. Somewhere is a small voice telling me that’s a lie, but I have a hard time not believing it. And it gets me so frustrated.

*sigh* I’m just way too good at taking care of others and yet am simultaneously scared for what it looks like for someone to take care of me. Why can’t I let my guard down? Why can’t I find that calming presence? Why can’t I believe that my gifts and personality will be enough for someone, while not being too much, either? Help my disbelief.

Didn’t someone else say that once? In the Bible? Help my disbelief. I’m pretty sure Jesus rewarded that request. A friend in Orlando has said a couple of times that Jesus loves our bold prayers. So I’m going bold, and I’m asking for help in my disbelief. In my lack of trust. In my constant trying to put him in a box.

Let’s be bold.

Let’s ask for help changing ourselves into the people Jesus calls us to be.

Loving.

Patient.

Kind.

Generous.

Holding our tongues. Slow to anger. Quick to love.

Love without Limits

2008-06-06T12:28:00.001-04:00

Well folks, I’m back at it. I know my blog is so sporadic, and I’m sure it matters to all my faithful readers (LOL!) . The thing is, this blog is a place for me to think things out. Some of these thoughts have been building for a while, and have now reached a point where I need to think ‘out loud’ about them.

Love. It is still constantly the topic that fascinates and scares me the most. I love many of my friends dearly, and don’t express it enough. I really need to tell people much more often that I love them. Romantically, I’ve only ever loved 2 guys. One was…a disaster. Back in college let’s just say I was a total doormat and I accepted a horrible substitute for love as the real thing. I shudder just thinking about it.

But, this whole love thing is really hard. It doesn’t just mean loving people when I feel it. Or loving people only when it’s easy to, when they ‘deserve’ it. It also doesn’t mean loving them on my terms. I think that’s the hardest for me. For instance, for me, loving a friend means showing up at their events (sports, art shows, weddings, parties, company launches, etc.) even if it’s not convenient. And it means inviting them to my events. But sometimes I have friends who don’t invite me to things, and it’s easy for me to get hurt by it. I am such an ‘inclusionist’ that the ‘exclusionists’ of the world can easily hurt my feelings. And I’ve noticed that when I’m ticked off because someone hasn’t loved me the way I would love them, I want to shut down and shut them out. Punish them, I guess. But let’s talk about that…what does Jesus call me to do? To pressure them into inviting me out of guilt? To show up uninvited? To sulk because they love me differently that I love them? No. He calls me to still love them.

Without limits.

True, not to be a doormat. But he does ask us to lay down our lives for his cause, and I believe his biggest cause is love.

Friends, this world is so full of hurt. And pain. And isolation. And misunderstandings. And people on the fringe. I refuse to consciously add to the pain. And where I subconsciously do, I pray it is revealed to me so I can be intentional about righting those wrongs.

I guess though that while I firmly believe this, it’s really hard to put into action. If I find myself being the friend who reaches out all the time, I start to doubt the other person truly cares. I even did a little experiment this year where I stopped reaching out to friends for a little while. I figured I would know my true friends by those who noticed I was out of their life, and who realize that friendship isn’t about convenience, because they would reach out to me. What a cruel test to do to my friends, and oh how so many ‘failed’. I say it like that because I don't think anyone actually failed that test: I’ve come to realize that I have lots of ‘friends’ – people who are more than acquaintances but less than super close friends…that are in my life because I pursue it. Not because they do. And that is OK – that doesn’t mean they don’t genuinely like me or that they are less of a friend than I am. But I should realize that I am the one making the choice to pour into them, even if they haven’t said they want to pour into me at the same level. And then I have my handful of super close friends, those people who when I’m with them, I feel ‘home’. These are the people who are there even when it’s inconvenient. The people who, when I say that I need them to reach out more or be the initiator or invite me places, they do it. Not because it’s easy for them or comfortable, but because they love me enough to show me love in the ways I need it. And vice versa: these are the people who get smothered if I call too much so I refrain so they feel love in their way, the people who get mad when I don’t reach out when I’m sad or having a hard time and so despite it’s unnaturalness, I reach out during those times. I love these people because they are the only place I can truly be me: insecurities, doubts, ugliness and all. And they help me see my worth and beauty and place in this world.

I don’t even know what I’m saying in all of this. Kudos to you if you've kept up with this rambling and this honesty about what is hard for me and the impossible standards I put on myself and sometimes on others. I guess I’ve just reached a much better place about loving people despite what I want love to look like. Jesus calls me to love, and ain’t nothing gonna stop me.

Words and Lies

2008-05-26T21:42:00.000-04:00

What an interesting weekend. There were some really awesome things/times with friends that I’ll write about later. Right now, I want to really dissect an interesting phenomenon that happened. The phenomenon is that I can hear something, a truth, and know it and feel it and be free in it and then within literally hours, believe the lie that I just was warned about. Here’s what happened:

At church Saturday night Brady did an awesome job talking about the lies we believe. (He had done this as a 3-part series at Lifeline, but hearing it again, condensed into one sermon, was still amazingly powerful.) Anyway, the lies included things like “If God loved me, then ‘this’ wouldn’t have happened” and “God made a mistake when he made me” and “God is holding out on me”.
Basically, for some reason we believe the lie that God made a mistake when he made us. Man, I’ve been there. Brady talked at one point during the sermon about where was it that we first heard these lies, these lies that we’ll never be good enough or God must have made a mistake when he made us. And I know exactly where mine comes from. A most trusted source growing up actually said the exact words to me: “You’ll never be enough. I wish when we adopted you that we’d gotten a different daughter. I don’t know why God is punishing me with you.” Those words are burned into my memory, and so easily I believed the lies that I was a mistake and I was only a punishment to my parents. But now, most days, I can sort the truth from the lies. I still have my moments when I confuse the lie for the truth, but most times I’m good.

Anyway, here is the ironic thing: I left church around 7 feeling totally fresh and good, like ‘yeah, I know. I used to believe those lies. I’m good now. I’ll never deal with that again.’ And then just a couple hours later, I’m out with a friend, and I give another friend a birthday card. And his response at the moment was ‘thanks, this is so nice of you. Unnecessary, but nice.’ And there was nothing wrong with what he said. It was all true. But for some reason, later on at night when I was winding down for the day and I got to thinking, I started to think “hmmm, what if that’s me? Unnecessary, but nice? I mean, I hate the word nice. I know people mean well when they say it, but to call me nice is to basically say I am bland, I have no personality, nothing to offer. I’m simply a nice bonus. So maybe having me around is unnecessary, but nice.” Anyone else see the irony? Hours later I’m back to lies, lies about not being good enough and not really adding any value to this world or anyone’s life.

Of course, I’ve realized now that the thoughts I had were false. But I’m glad I had them, because it made me realize even more the power of lies and how it takes conscious effort to not believe them. To not give into them. To not let them conquer you.

And this is all part of some character growth I am in the process of right now. I seem to have this need to ‘add value’ all the time, and for me that equates speaking in a meeting at work, adding humor to a group situation, giving good advice to a struggling friend. But I’m trying to learn that I, like anyone else, add value by simply existing. Sometimes you add the most value just listening, not talking. Letting someone else be the center of attention at a party. Holding my tongue in a meeting where the best role for me is one of paduan learner. :)

Anyway, it’s been a great weekend and now I’m winding down for the night. Back to work tomorrow. Woo-hoo.

Character Traits

2008-03-24T08:31:00.000-04:00

Who I want to be. I’ve been thinking about this a lot. About the character I want to have – about who I want people to say that I am. I don’t really care if I’m known for my athletic achievements, or my business achievements, or the number of degrees I have. Those are fine things, but what matters more to me is my heart and how I love people.

Life is a journey. I’ve taken some steps towards some of these perhaps, but I know I still have a long way to go. Last night at Lifeline we talked about why it’s important to look back and to look forward, and so as my birthday is approaching (only 3 months away. What is it too early to start counting down??) :) I’m looking forward at who I want to become as I mature and become more of who Christ made me to be.

I want to be:
Humble
Gentle
Kind-hearted
Hospitable
A good steward
Generous & Giving
A lover of people
A prayer warrior
Confident
Content
Persevering

There are many wonderful character traits, but these are the ones that come to mind when I look at what is most important to me. What are the things you want to be known for?

Letting Go

2008-03-13T11:31:00.002-04:00

Life.
A journey.
So much beauty.

My friends, for those who have known me well the past couple of years, you will know that while I grew up in a Christian household and absolutely believing in God and enjoying an incredibly close relationship with him, it wasn't until my college years that I really began exploring my faith. The concept of grace was not clear to me until my college friends chose to love me and pour into me despite the times I hurt them and hurt myself.

Then in my first job, God blessed me with an amazing friend to help further that growth in me. To provide a safe place for questions and searching and falling and getting back up again.

I used to really value stability. Change was scary for me because I was so scared to lose these wonderful blessings.

But now, I'm not sure how I feel about it. Not scared per se...maybe numb? Maybe peaceful? See, my best friend from work now lives in the UK, and so seeing him and his wife will be really hard to do. And there are moments I wonder how I'll make it through without that friend being here.

And now in a couple weeks, my best friend and roommate from college will move to Colorado. She and I have had not enough time together the past couple of years. We've taken for granted the fact that we live so close together. And now I will miss her. She is a huge part of my history and my faith journey, and vice versa. And I want her as a part of my future.

Letting go can be so hard sometimes. We had some people who had to leave yesterday, here at work. They will be missed. They will miss the stability and security they had here.

What would I do in that situation? I can't say for sure, but I can say that the older I get, the more OK i am with letting go of people I love. Because I've learned that distance doesn't have to get in the way. We can still love each other and be in each other's lives, no matter what. And God always provides for every need. Yours and mine. And he will not fail us.

Unlocking the Basement Door

2008-03-03T11:38:00.000-05:00

Sunday’s message at church – a good one. (As always!) But this one really stuck out to me right now. Jeff was talking about the final 3 traits that Peter instructs us to add to our faith in 2 Peter 1:3-9. Godliness, brotherly (and sisterly!) kindness, and love.

He explained godliness as bringing every region of our lives under God’s domain. I struggle with this – I don’t have a hard time giving the ‘areas’ over to God – like time, finance, relationships, etc. But, when I feel anxiety from one of those areas, it’s like I take the anxiety or worry out from under his domain and think I can handle it on my own. But it’s clear I can’t, and shouldn’t.

Next, brotherly kindness. My big takeaway was about how God uses people to do his work. That He cares for his children through other children. And it reminds me that I need to do things when I feel prompted to, because I never know if that instance is one where God is using a child of his to help another. And same for each of you – don’t underestimate those promptings.

Finally, love. He talked about the verse about ‘love your enemies’…and one phrase I see I’ve written down in my notes at church was ‘love might not change ‘your enemy’, but it will change you’. And while that’s true, there are also those moments when loving them also does change them.

My friends, our growth affects those around us. It affects us, but it also affects others. I’ve seen this very clearly with my high school girls. I have some areas in my life that recently were brought to light as areas that I need to work through. I need to let go of some past hurts and confront (lovingly, gently) some people who have wronged me. If I don’t, then these detrimental attitudes and actions that I’ve been living out will continue, and my girls will continue to see that and they may model their behavior after me. I will not teach them well, for what I have to offer isn’t the best of me. I haven’t been transformed in those areas, and I desperately want to. My actions affect them. And it made me realize that if I am lucky enough to get married and have kids someday, it will also affect my spouse and my kids.

Some tough stuff in there – as in, easy to pinpoint what to do, but tough to actually do it. It will require a lot of grace, confidence, humility, and peace. Yet God has given us everything we need. So, what will we do with it?

Small Blessings

2008-02-28T10:10:00.003-05:00

Sometimes, I think we often go through life too fast to take the time to recognize the small blessings in our lives and to say thanks for them. I want to document a couple that have happened for me this past week:

1) My high school Lifeliners - reaching out to me and reminding me that I am loved and lovable. They don't have to send me those sweet text messages or FB messages, but they do. And I'm thankful for these small blessings.
2) This morning's chai tea meeting with my mentee. She paid for us today - for her to take her hard-earned money and give back to me by purchasing a bagel and chai...that was such a great blessing and a sweet gesture.
3) A new friend inviting me to a party with some church peeps. I'm a bit anxious about attending, but how else will I further my friendships with these people? Anyways, this friend knew I was looking for community, and he invited me into one. What a wonderful, wonderful blessing.
4) An old roomie from college - last night on the phone poured into me and my pain despite the fact that she is going through a lot of painful situations. That small act of selflessness and sacrifice did not go unnoticed.
5) Rest. I am so, so beat down right down. Emotionally. Dealing with tough situations, new situations, and my grandpa being in the hospital has really been wearing on me. Not to mention the work load I have right now. But, somehow, God keeps restoring my energy and clarity so that I can keep on living fully through the exhaustion and confusion.
6) An old friend from college who means much to me, reaching out and posting on my blog. Someone who I don't expect to reach out, reaching out, is often the best surprise I can get.

Those are just some for me. Do you have any small moments this week that you recognize are great blessings, and that maybe aren't so small in the end?

Something for Me

2008-02-26T15:48:00.001-05:00

OK, I can honestly say this (and it is scary, but true!) but I’m not sure how often I’ve lived my life for me. Or, I mean, truly done things because I know they will be good for me, not because someone else wants me to or because I feel I ought to.

I was shoveling today, and it struck me: the past few days, I’ve been doing this. I’ve been doing things that scare me but that I know I need to do. I’ve been accepting people’s kindnesses, something I used to question instead of accept. I’ve been doing the small things that take care of me physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Saying no to things I would love to do, but would over- commit me and wear me out. Saying no to people I can’t trust. Saying yes to those I can.

It also hit me last night that teaching would be something for me, and something I would be doing for the right reasons. I’ve always wanted to be a teacher, high school or college. But if I was honest, I think part of the reason was because I was scared – those who can’t do, teach. We all know that saying. So I think I thought of teaching as a fall-back, as a way for me to shrug and say ‘well, I might suck at marketing or doing anything else, but I know I’ve got the knowledge and I could teach these other people, people who have a chance to be great, the basis and the skills they will need.’ It would have been a form of escapism. As well as denying my gifts and abilities.

In this journey we call life, lately I’ve been stepping up my game in terms of self-actualization and self-appreciation. It’s been a wonderful journey, though wrought with difficulty at times.

Anyways, last night I taught a class at a local college. (Well, ok, if we're honest...I taught for about 7 minutes and then administered an exam.) :) My VP was out traveling for work and he asked me to fill in, which was a huge honor in and of itself. But even better was the actual experience. I had so much fun standing there, looking out at this group of college students whose lives are full of adventure, fun, growth, fear, hope, dreams…and knowing that they have so much ahead of them. And I enjoyed it, because instead of teaching them as an escape and because I doubted I have anything to offer this world, I stood there teaching them knowing I have much to offer, and thus they were learning from a girl teaching out of her fullness and not her emptiness. And it made me realize that in that moment, I was once again training myself to accept that I have a lot to offer, and to believe that as truth.

I know the voice of doubt & negativity will return. But now I’m more prepared and better equipped to shut down the lies with the truth. And the knowledge of this feels great.

And much of it stems from the fact that I’ve claimed this life as a life that is God’s to ordain, not mine. And most certainly not anyone else. I’m living in the ways I know God has instructed me to live, and I won’t question that nor let others intimidate that. It feels good.

“These are works he will do in us, but he won’t do them without us.”

Would You Want to Know?

2008-02-25T08:48:00.000-05:00

I’m always fascinated to think about certain events/relationships/emotions and how if we knew they were coming, how would we live differently? If I knew that my grandpa died today, would I then have called him yesterday, instead of being lazy about it and not doing anything? If I knew I was going to lose my job, would I work at it any differently today? Or would I give up and just goof off at work instead? Suppose I knew I was going to get married someday, how would I be living my life differently at this moment? Or would I be? Should I be?

And yet, I am glad I don’t know what is just around the corner. I’m thrilled that I get to wake up to a new day full of its own potential, and with the challenge and opportunity to live it to its fullest, embracing the things that arise instead of knowing what is going to happen when. Otherwise, knowing me, I will try to control all the moments leading up to these events I know about. But for me, growth and forward motion happen when I risk, not when I protect. When I embrace each day instead of controlling each day. So while I struggle with this sometimes, I’d rather be living in this ‘place’ and stretching myself every day versus living with the knowledge of the future.

I also like the possibilities and the questions – I always loved the ‘Choose Your Own Adventure’ books because the outcome was determined by the choice you made instead of existing only one pre-determined outcome. I believe I’d rather live my life that way: with options. I want the choice to choose right and to choose wrong. I want the opportunity to make mistakes and to also make great decisions – we learn much through both scenarios. More than anything, I want the choice to love and to accept love. Sometimes I’m not strong in this area – I forget I have more control over certain things than I think. Jeff talked about this at church yesterday – when it comes to greed, anger, finances, etc. we have more self-control over these areas than we sometimes like to believe. True, we can’t do it alone. We need God with us. But he also won’t do it without us. I like living in that place – I like that I 100% need God for any amount of strength, but that he also holds me accountable to being a part of the journey and the growth.

Grace and peace to you.
-Melinda

Tears

2008-02-21T20:52:00.003-05:00

I cried today. In my cubicle. But these salty tears on my face were from a mixture of emotions. Sadness at a friend going through some tough times and realizing there isnt much I can do about it. Frustration that I let some stuff at work get the best of me. Release of simply some things I had kept inside and am now letting go of. And joy of someone I care about reaching out to me.

I feel so exhausted emotionally. I've been growing so much, which is AWESOME. But it leaves me vulnerable because I'm so exhausted that I have less energy when new challenges arise, to not let the emotions come through. Today at work, I felt frustrated because I sometimes don't feel like I know my role or my place. I can live in confusion, but not for months on end. I don't think, anyways. But the point is, it got to me and it showed. People around me could tell something was wrong.

How do I find the balance of letting people in and keeping my life private? I think most people at work feel personal things should be just that, personal. But then if I don't let the people that I see every single day in to what is going on, how can they support me through it? Are they supposed to? Or be nature, should they absolutely not be a part of that?

No answers tonight. Just questions. And I'm totally ok with that.

Surprises

2008-02-21T13:28:00.002-05:00

Wow. What a beautiful week this has been (and it's only Thursday!) I say it has been beautiful because in the midst of chaos, something has been going on in my heart. Something big. A cleansing, a renewing, a trusting - big changes. And I'm learning to trust myself and not rely on others for affirmation.

In the midst of all the peace I'm already experiencing despite much change and uncertainty around me, God is giving me some great surprises today. Encouraging words, people reaching out, new friends to share life with...it's pretty cool.

Good surprises. I wonder what else is in store today. Should be an interesting night...

Tissues, Anyone?

2008-02-18T07:43:00.001-05:00

OK, now before I even type down these words, I’m going to admit something. I admit that this story will strike you as a little crazy, or random. And I’m Ok with that. I just need you to bear with me as I unpack this for you.

So, something I’ve been realizing lately (it’s always been there and I’ve always known it, but it’s resurfaced in a new way) is that I don’t value myself appropriately. Somewhere deep down inside, I don’t believe I’m worthy of value. And I don’t thus treat myself how I would treat others.

I was moving back upstairs to my bedroom from the guest room I was sleeping in, and as I was doing so I noticed that upstairs in my bedroom I had a cute box of Kleenex. And it made me glad. Know why? In the past, when I am buying things for the house, I’ll buy the cute boxes of tissue for downstairs, for other people to use. But for me, I get the boring, plain Jane stuff. And while there is maybe nothing wrong with that, for me I think it’s a small step to how I can start to value myself better. And so it made me smile that just before Christmas, I had purchased for myself a cute box of tissue.

And then last night, I went to have a snack of Cheerios. What a treat! And so as I did so, I pulled out one of the older bowls I had, not so great for eating cereal because it’s wider, not deep. And right before I poured the Cheerios I thought “now, why would I use the lesser bowl on me, why not use the regular bowl?”

These are big steps for me, friends. I’m working on it. I know that changing these won’t change how I truly feel on the inside. But I believe they can help. And I believe I can encourage right thinking through actions.

So, if anyone needs some tissues, I’ve got some. :)

Back to the Operating Table...

2008-02-14T11:52:00.003-05:00

So, in the past few days, I've had multiple people speak truth to me about various things, but all tie to my flaws and weaknesses. In some cases I feel humiliated, like am I really that needy? Is it really that obvious my self-confidence is that low? In other cases, there is no humiliation and I feel safe in letting people see that I'm exploring a lot of these issues and seeking clarity in them.

But either way, it hurts. And I feel like my heart is back on the operating table. Like God has to cut these bad arteries out, because they aren't flowing with life to the rest of my body. They're full of poison, and we want them gone. But it feels like there is no anesthethia, and that it will take a long surgery to get rid of them...

I had someone I trust immensely challenge me last week to make sure I wouldn't consider counseling as a profession because I want to find healing for myself through helping others. Wow. I mean, looking at that typed out doesn't sound that bad, but I was concerned that someone thought I needed healing so badly. I've been to counseling, I've forgiven my mom, I've worked hard on healing. Am I still so far off? Am I too far gone?

Still others have challenged me about the kind of guys I am drawn to romantically. They feel (and are right in this, which is the hard part to admit) that I like guys who treat me poorly. Who emotionally manipulate me. Who ask me to pour my heart and soul into them, but withhold their heart and soul from me. Why the heck is that? Do I still really doubt that I'm lovable? Is it just poor self-esteem? Why do I seem to need validation from external sources, why can't I just rely on God? Do I not trust him to provide for all my needs?

So many questions.

I worry that I'm too much. No matter how much counseling I go to or how many times I hear that I'm not, those words spoken to me so often while growing up remain the truth my head believes.

And to make it all so much better, my best friend moves to England next week. Part of me feels I can't take any more, part of me feels such strength and peace for even daring to enter this journey of self-discovery.

I'm working through it. I do apologize if I withdraw a bit during this time - it's not healthy for me to do so and I have to fight against that tendency hard core. I'm pushing myself to reach outward every time I want to shut down, so I'll keep trying.

Until next time, I'm going to keep on being vulnerable and open with those I can trust. I want to figure some of these things out, and I want to get past my fear of, well, everything to do with love. I'm going to keep reaching out even when I don't feel like it. And I'm going to pursue those things that give me life and peace. In fact, I think visiting my friend Anne for some snuggle time with her new baby might be something that is healing for me. :) So Anne, hopefully soon I'll be able to stop over and meet Randi!! :)

I Give Up

2008-02-13T08:18:00.003-05:00

Sometimes, I think the best thing I can do is give up. When things start going wrong, when I constantly reach out to people and get no response, when I can't keep up at work and at home, when I can't please everyone...I have a couple of options. Continue to seek opportunities to reach out, keep emptying myself for no return. I can work extra hours and then also stay up later at home to get things done. I work overtime to please more and more people. Or I can go the other way - I can shut down, become bitter about these situations, and/or become sad and withdrawn.

Or, I can give up. And what means for me, is accepting my faults and my limits. I can't keep my house perfectly clean and picked up when I'm working full-time and leading Lifeline etc. But is that really the point of life? To keep everything picked up and in its place? Or is it to live life to its fullest, full of love, grace, acceptance, peace, and even a bit of a mess at home every once in a while? With the friendships I thought were there, that now the true colors are showing through, I can give up. I can give over my desire for community to God, knowing he represents true community through the 3 in 1. As for pleasing people, I can give that need up, too. I have only one person I need to please. And I can only do that by is living out my fullest potential with the gifts I've been given. They may be humble, but I can still use them.

So, I'm giving up. And giving these things over to someone much more capable of handling them than I am. And so far, it's feeling pretty good.

Too Short

2008-02-12T15:25:00.000-05:00

Life is much too short. This week I saw two bad car accidents which so far have claimed no lives, though two passengers are in critical condition. I pray they hang on and keep their lives.

But either way, those lives are changed forever. Some people will be scared to drive in the bad weather, others will have visible scars, still others will have internal scars. Trust might be broken. Fear might take hold. Lives changed in the blink of an eye.

I’m not gonna lie, I’m still feeling the effects and I wasn’t even in the accident. I wasn’t scared until I drove to work today, one day later. It was icy out, my car was sliding, cars around me were zooming by and while I trusted myself and my driving, I was scared of them. Scared of my life being taken away.

When I was in high school, I went through some depression. A couple of times I begged God to take me home, to end things here and take me to him, to the place where there is no more pain or sadness or tears. But seeing those accidents, I realized how fast life can end and how much I don’t want to go until it’s my time. I don’t want God to take me home yet. I’m not ready to go.

What do you want to do on this earth before you leave? Help someone heal? Lead an organization to greatness? Conquer your own fears? Learn to take risks? Learn to love those who have wronged you? Help someone find their own way? Start a family?

Life is short. Don’t put these things off – do them. Do them greatly.

“We are the people we’ve been waiting for.”

growing, growing, grown

2008-02-07T21:15:00.000-05:00

Self-awareness. Something I seek every day - I tend to have a mind that races one hundred million miles per hour. And I'm constantly evaluating situations and relationships and simply looking for areas to grow in. A few months ago while I was praying I told God that I felt life was getting too comfortable, and I asked him to shake things up. To really put me in situations where I would grow. Boy, I had no idea what was coming!

I'm grateful. Really, I am. There have been moments I've wondered if I can really do this, if I can really live pushing myself to overcome past fears and resentments, and find myself on the other side. You know how snakes shed their skin? I feel like that sometimes - like I'm shedding these layers and who I'm coming out as on the other side is so much freer and confident. But it's the shedding of the layers that is so hard. They don't want to go; they want to stay. They're itchy and they scratch, but they're comfortable and what I've always known.

I'm going to keep moving forward. To me, forward motion is a big part of my faith and I can't stop here. I can never stop. I only hope that doesn't mean my biggest fear will come true...

Life Post-MBA

2007-12-13T14:07:00.000-05:00

So. It's now been officially 6 months since I finished grad school. And let me tell you, it's such an amazing feeling! I've seen how I've remembered and applied much of what I learned, but also how I feel such freedom and peace being done.

I looked back at a blog post from when I was nearing the end. It was a list of things I was and was not going to do. How am I doing with them? Status report is below:
What I'm going to do:
1) Sleep - I can say I get an A in that department!
2) Eat healthier - I'm definitely eating much healthier!
3) Exercise more - half and half. I'm still exercising, I wouldn't say more though...
4) Be a mentor for a Calvin student this fall - definitely, and it has been a great experience!
5) Volunteer with local missions and organizations - I've volunteered alot with my church and am now volunteering with Heart Support, but I feel there is so much more I can do.
6) Hang out with my friends!!!!!!!!! - An A+ on this one! :)
7) Read more books - yes! and it's been so great...
8) Go to 'quiet places' to seek God more fully - hmmm. half and half. Still do it, but not more. I need to work on this one.

Things I am not going to do:
1) Find something else to consume every ounce of energy and every minute of the day that leaves me feeling tired and selfish - accomplished.
2) Spend my new free time working more (this one will be hard for me, but I will not give in to it!) - accomplished as well.
3) Sit around and do nothing - I've done some of this. And it's been amazing. :) Thanks Anne for reminding me that it's not always a bad thing to just sit and relax!!

The biggest miracle of all? That I haven't had the identity struggles like I thought I would. Not having something to 'accomplish' has actually set well with me. I've had my days of missing it, but overall, I feel much more alive, vibrant, more Melinda than I ever have.

Check it Out

2007-12-11T13:30:00.000-05:00

OK, for all my faithful and loyal readers (aka the 1 or 2 people that visit this thing) there are a couple things you need to check out. Big time!

1) Heart Support. This is an AMAZING new non-profit, and it is a place for healing and hope for the heart. We all struggle, we all have issues, we all need help. Some of us are lucky enough to have friends and family to lean on, but we don't all have that luxury. And sometimes you need to just know you're not alone. Check out this site - you are not alone. www.heartsupport.com

2) The Ada Bible CD - Kingdom Coming Down. I've had it on repeat everywhere since I got it Sunday morning at church. My friends at Ada are so talented - these musicians are amazing! Check it out if you can...

3) Check out ways to give back this Christmas - buy less for yourself, and focus on more meaningful gifts. Find a family who likely won't have a Christmas meal, and get it or make it for them. Write a letter to someone you care about. Send a text or email. Spend quality time with people. Check out ways to give to those you love that will mean the most to them.

That's it for now. I'm at work and have a meeting soon. And while my head is so full of thoughts right now, posting them would be a jumbled mess at this point. :)
-M

Missed Opportunities

2007-12-10T10:31:00.000-05:00

Wow, so church yesterday rocked the house. Jeff did an amazing job walking us through something that I know I needed to feel convicted of. He began by opening the story in Mark by asking about missed opportunities, what have we had happen in our life where we showed up just in time to miss out?

It made me miss my mom. I found her, but showed up for it a few months too late.

Anyways, then it moved on into how we need to have an awareness for our sins - we all very easily can look at ourselves and justify or compare our sins away. "I only spoke in anger because so-and-so made me angry. He/She said something first, I was just responding. It's only fair." Or "Well, I may have thought mean thoughts about her, but I didn't say them. At least I'm not going around talking about her to everyone else like so-and-so is. I'm not really that bad..."

And so I walked away from this sermon (I won't go into it all here, i wouldn't do it justice) realizing that I need to 1) have an appropriate level of recognition for my sins. I sin everyday, and it's easy to overlook that. And i need to 2) ask forgiveness and have an appropriate level of grace where I can believe I'm forgiven. I need to recognize what a gift it is that Jesus has the authority to forgive sins.

Anyways, it's done a lot to mess with my mind, and definitely in a good way. I hope this week finds you well, and that you can see God's forgiveness and grace in your life.

Reflections (from tha A-T-L)

2007-11-15T22:14:00.001-05:00

I’m here in Atlanta, I made it safe. My hotel is a decent little walk over to the convention center, but I like that because it’s so beautiful outside that I can’t wait to get so much fresh air these 4 days!!! Does a body good.

I picked a high floor so I can look over the expanse of the city – and as I stand here looking out over Centennial Park a pang of sadness hit me. I was here in 1996 for the Olympics and the memories of the fun and laughter (and Coca-Cola world!) are flooding back. I’m at a place in life where I feel very alone, so those memories of a time when I was not alone are kind of hard to bear.

I’m in the middle of a place that is confusing. Yet if I’m honest, I see the ways God has already prepared me for this and provided for all my needs. A part of me just wishes it was easier, and that these trials would take a little break. And at the same time, I pray for growth and challenge and so I welcome this. I guess I wasn’t prepared and it really caught me off-guard, and maybe I’m still not sure how to feel.

I’m grateful though for all God is given me, and for the blessings he has in store just around the corner. I know they await, and I will cling to those.

May you see God in every single thing today. In the beautiful sunshine or the blustery winds; in the smile of a friend or the frown of the forgotten; in the beauty ang in the pain. He is ever present –hold on to him.

Catalyst

2007-10-10T20:57:00.000-04:00

Yes, I have alot of thoughts coming out of Catalyst last week. I could tell you all the things I did to embarrass myself - like not recognizing a certain Erwin McManus. I could tell you about all the cool people who came to the booth and were excited about TBE. I could tell you about the speakers and how they challenged us, or the worship and how beautiful it is to see that many hands in the air.

But no, I want to tell you about the catalyst it stirred in my heart, and about the people I met and how they touched my heart. First there were two authors of the book UnChristian, and how I had wanted to meet them for a while. At the encouragement of my boss, I did. And it opened the door to communicate more and learn from them in the future. They are leaders of my generation and I want to learn from them. There was also our author, Eric, who remembered that I had been the one to take chance on his manuscript and bring it to our editors with my recommendation. I've always known that, but I never knew if it was forgotten in the hustle and bustle of publishing the book. But he remembered and he thanked me, and it made my heart sing!! There was also the group of people from my church, a group that helped me at the booth and who were gracious and kind with all that I had to get done. Then there was Steve Fee - he wrote my favorite song 'Grace Will Be My Song' and I got a picture with him a minute to say hi. What a joy, and what a gift from God to meet and interact with all these people! Another joy was meeting my new friend Chris - a great guy who is so involved in things I care about, and the kind of guy who makes every single person feel important and cared about. There was also the time with my friend and colleague Ang who has moved to a new location, and I hardly get to see her anymore. What God did in our two hearts together over those two days was nothing short of beautiful and wonderful. Last but not least were the two guys working the Relevant booth. Wow. Two incredible people and guys with such big hearts and big passions for God. Not only are they hilarious and amusing, but they are sincere and they truly care about seeking after the heart of God.

I'm so blessed with all the relationships that are now forming. There are also so many others I met, just not enough room here to mention them all.

I'm thankful for all the people God brought into my life. Because more than anything, he is using them to start a catalyst in my heart. My heart is changing and growing and swelling with joy, and it took these exact people to be the catalysts God needed.

To Grow, Must Change

2007-10-02T11:23:00.001-04:00

At church on Sunday Jeff did a phenomenal job (as always!) communicating about the story of Jesus as found in God’s Word. It’s amazing to me, and exciting, how my heart can still feel so alive and in tune with God each and every day. I’ve been a Jesus-follower my whole life, but over the past 7 years my passion has been re-awakened and it is truly a blessing and truly incomprehensible what my heart feels.

Anyways, Jeff was talking about how in order to follow Jesus the disciples had to leave something behind. “You can’t follow without leaving.” And I kept asking myself ‘what is it I need to leave in order to follow Jesus?’ It changes daily – I always have to leave my selfish desires behind, even though I mess that up all the time. :) But sometimes it’s specific things – like leaving security & safety, comfort, pride, friendships, energy, selfishness, etc. Right now I’m wrestling with a decision, and the reason I think I’m wrestling so much is that if I choose A, then I have to give up B. And if I choose B, I have to give up A. I don’t want to give up either of them, but in order to follow Jesus’ leading, I must give something up.

And wrestling through this is growing me and stretching me. “You can’t grow and remain the same.” There is always a change that happens in us as we grow. Yesterday I went down to Reeds Lake by myself to read and journal and pray, and I realized that I’ve ended one stage of my life and am beginning a new phase on this journey. It felt so peaceful to acknowledge that and to prepare my heart for what God has in store for me.

So, what things are growing you? Are you willing to change what you need to in order to experience growth? What is Jesus asking you to leave behind to follow him?

Almost there...

2007-09-27T15:58:00.001-04:00

So, our new audio Bible releases in a couple of weeks. It's so incredible, and it's amazing because sometimes it's so easy to get bogged down by so many details and to forget why we do what we do. This was no exception, but today as I go to add the new widget to my blog it reminds me to pause and to think about how I've been blessed to be a tiny part in this huge project. It's a project that will bless people for years to come, and I'm so excited to see it hit the shelves next month.

Why You are who You Are

2007-09-06T13:09:00.000-04:00

It's so incredible to me what forms us and shapes us into the persons we are. As you think back, let yourself simply float away into memories and pick out the ones that jump out at you.

I remember...
-being told I was loved and valued, and that my adoption meant God had his hand watching over me and guiding me to this family
-the feeling of 'stranger in a new land' when we went to England. feeling miserable because nothing I could do or say would make them accept me. I would always be that little skin 'n bones girl from the US. I couldn't spell correctly, speak correctly, or dress right and I would always be from the land that fought it's way away from Britain.
-being teased in high school for my brains, my morals, my religion, my clothing, my music. feeling so small because once again I couldn't fit in.
-looking into the eyes of the girl at the sweat shop in Egypt
-the beauty of love
-my heart breaking when i realized love would never satisfy my need to believe in myself. love is not a substitute.
-euphoria of being on my own at college
-the fear of being on my own at college
-choosing to go back for my higher education and realizing exactly what I am made of
-choosing to let people in again. learning to trust again.
-my closest friend moving to Seattle. wondering how I would survive. realizing I survived, even thrived, much better than I could have dreamed.
-realizing validation does not come from externalities, but from God and from within.

Those are just the thoughts and memories coming to me today. And you know what those situations did for me? Because of these I am:
-open to critique and praise, accepting both equally as part of who I am.
-extremely focused on building others up. it's lonely being left out - i won't do that to others.
-going to be part of the solution instead of just complaining about the problem
-motivated to give back and pour into teen girls who are going through the most difficult years of the 0-18 formative time period.
-ready to love and to be open to my heart breaking again.
-i'm able to love myself and believe in myself and no longer position love as a substitute, but rather as a gift to be cherished.

What things shaped you into the person you are today??

Melinda the Mentor

2007-09-05T08:07:00.000-04:00

I love this year - I'm so excited to be able to give back! I'm volunteering my time as a mentor for a Calvin student this semester, and I'm also a high school youth group leader.

This morning at 6:30am :) was my first meeting with Sarah, my mentee from Calvin. She is awesome! She grew up most of her formative years in Brasil, so we connected early on with that. Also she has a younger sister who is adopted so that was a cool connection as well. She has some big dreams and big plans, and I'm excited to see what God has in store for her.

So, to a year full of new challenges and new opportunities, there is nothing better in life than giving back what you have been given.

The Best Insight

2007-08-30T13:43:00.000-04:00

Let’s just start by acknowledging the fact that I tend to be a dramatic person – I like making life ‘big’. I make big, sweeping statements that cover more ground than I actually am committed to. This also means that while I am often good at soul-searching and finding God in every nook and corner of my life, I sometimes am not good at looking at a situation with a straightforward, practical approach. And the ability to do that is a trait I greatly admire. I have a couple of friends who have this gift, and use it graciously with me. One of these friends spoke some amazing wisdom into my life this week.

I was telling him how I recently found a really cool and very special way to encourage a mutual friend of ours going through a tough time. And I said a big sweeping statement (somewhat whiny) to the effect of “I wish I could simply encourage people for my job. I wish I didn’t have to work, but that my work was to actually get paid to call people when they’re down, to send care packages to people, to surprise people when they need a pick-me-up.” And you know what his response was? “You could do that for a job. Or, you could be a Christian. And use your gifts to encourage people every day, regardless of what job you’re in.”

So simple. So true. So straightforward. Why couldn’t I understand that on my own? Honestly, his statements were revolutionary for me. Imagine it – no matter what I do for work, or if I stay at home, or volunteer my time each day; I can encourage people right where I’m at. God gave me that passion, and so no matter where I find myself I can use that gift.

The coolest part? It’s been a week that I’ve had to fight to get through. And I was so glad just to be pouring into others that I didn’t realize how much I needed someone to give to me. And today, my boss’ wife brought me flowers. She brought pink gerbera daisies without even knowing they’re my favorite. What a great reminder that life is bigger than our job, and that people truly do care. I am loved. And I will continue to give that love to this world through any act of servitude or encouragement that I can.

Thanks being part of the journey with me.

My Girls

2007-08-23T22:50:00.000-04:00

So, starting Sept 8, I am officially a youth group leader!!! I'm so excited because I've wanted to be a LifeLine leader for 3 years now, but I just couldn't with school and everything. (Ironic timing - my official diploma came in today - another reminder of this new freedom!!) So I took the plunge and signed up. I"ve been excited, thinking about who my girls will be. Originally, I'd asked for freshmen so I could be with them for 4 years, but at the same time I've been praying the past few weeks that God would prepare me for my girls and vice versa. And that God would direct my path and put me with the group who needs me most. And sure enough, he made it clear which group was to be mine.

And so, I announce that I will have an awesome group of Juniors, and I plan to see them through to graduation. (yes, I already predict that I will cry as I watch them all graduate in Spring of 2009!)

I'll post pics and lessons on here from time to time, I'm sure. Because I have a feeling these girls will teach me as much as I teach them...

it's all about attitude

2007-08-21T08:06:00.000-04:00

Ok, many of us have heard this quote "life is 10% what happens to us, and 90% how we respond." Basically, our attitude determines alot about our life.

I know this first-hand. See, I was a competitive runner all through high school and college. And anyone who knows me knows that I was so not created to be a runner - my hips are actually 1" different in height (weird) and it causes many problems for running. I also am larger than most of the girls I ran with at Calvin, which is also just odd to think about. And more importantly, I don't like doing anything but the running! Any good athlete knows they have to dedicate themselves to certain eating regimes, exercise routines, extra exercises to work the muscles that don't appear as important at first. But I didn't like doing that - I ate what I wanted, ran hard at practice, but you'd be lucky to see me sticking around to lift weights. And yet, I was a great runner. But you know what it was? I wanted it. Every time I raced, I could feel the desire to run my heart out - the joy that I experience while racing is incredible! And I wanted to show all those nay-sayers that I could do it. And by golly, I did.

But it was sheer determination and attitude, not actual skill or inherent proclivity. And most of my life, this is what has gotten me through. In fact, I might even argue that at work, it's not necessarily my skills that make me good at my job. It's more my attitude - my willingness to jump in where needed and if I don't know something, to figure it out. It all comes down to attitude.

I need to rely on that gumption right now. My attitude stinks today: I'm upset at people and at myself, I don't want to be at work and would much rather be watching movies at home, and I feel a bit overwhelmed with everything going on in my life. So, instead of giving in to fear and pain and anxiety, I'm going to kick it. I'm going to choose an attitude that will help me see the possibilities in front of me, and how God can use this time to do a bit of much-needed operating.

insecurity (deep thoughts for a lunch break)

2007-08-17T12:30:00.001-04:00

OK, I'm just going to put this out there. We ALL struggle with insecurity of some sort. Not being good enough, athletic enough, pretty enough, etc. Not being financially stable. Being too friendly. Not being friendly enough. Talking too much. Not talking enough. Each person has his or her own unique sets of fears.

I certainly have mine. I would say I'm one of the lucky ones because overall I like who I am, and feel at home with myself. I've had a privileged life with opportunities many won't have in a lifetime. God has blessed me with wonderful friends and roommates and mentors: people who care about seeing me grow and thrive and become the woman God wants me to be.

Yet I still have some deep fears. If I show this part of me, of who I am, will you accept it, or reject it? (I value transparency and am reaching out) Do I reach out to you too much? (I'm just trying to show I care and affirm you are loved) If I drop the ball on this project, will you still value me as a colleague? (I'm told I must pick priorities, and this wasn't one of them) Am I too critical of myself? (I don't even have a defense or reason for this one, because the answer is yes...) And if I am too critical of myself, are you willing and able to join me on this journey, and help me give more grace to myself? (I need help) And my biggest fear, because I still hear this voice in my head: am I too much to handle? Will you wake up one day and decide it's not worth the work it takes to be my friend?

Ok, so those are some of my honest fears. And let me tell you, the philosophical nature of mine thinks about these quite a bit. But I've never had to face them head on like i did last week. My mentor and dear friend was gently, lovingly pointing out a weak area of mine. It was like holding up a mirror and seeing all the ugliness in yourself. But also having someone standing next to you, seeing it as well.

it was horrible.
horribly uncomfortable.
frightening.

But is it beyond redemption? No. Does this woman still love me, and want to be my mentor and Christian sister? Yes. Am i too much to handle? No.

At church last week, one of the things Jeff talked about was forgiveness. And how when we ask God for forgiveness, he 'washes us clean' and he sees us through eyes of love. In fact, simply because Jesus took our place, God sees us through eyes of love. And so when he sees me, he knows there is ugliness inside of me. But he sees me and lets his love cloud his vision of those things. He sees me as whole. As worthwhile.

I don't have many experiences here on earth of people being able to look through eyes of love. (And I have failed at it myself, many times.) But last week, Krissy was a perfect example. She saw my reflection in the mirror and saw the ugliness. But her love for me clouded her vision so she saw me as beautiful. As a person Jesus is redeeming every day. As someone she can love, despite the scars and sin I carry.

May you constantly learn to see people through loving eyes, and wash over their ugliness. May you see them as God does, and love them through their fears.

The Wedding

2007-08-13T23:17:00.000-04:00

Saturday, August 11 2007 my brother tied the knot. It was a beautiful day, not too hot, and everyone was in great spirits. Things went smoothly and it was a blast. It was semi-surreal, not to see them get married to each other (they've dated so long) but just to know my brother is now a husband. He is no longer responsible for only himself, but now for a wife as well. Weird.

I also added one picture from the day where a bunch of us were standing around. I have no idea what I'm looking at or what the expression on my face is. All I know is looking at that picture, it doesn't look like me. It's clear to me now what that picture represents, what the woman in the picture is: who people perceive her to be, what she looks like etc. But I see a woman, not a young, immature girl. Somehow over the past 4 years I've grown up. In this picture, I almost look frail. And it's weird to see the person I've becoming through the eye of the lens. It's weird to get a glimpse at who I'm becoming, and I wonder where I'll be in another four years...

Me & HP

2007-07-24T07:57:00.000-04:00

OK, so don't worry there will be no Harry Potter spoilers in this post! I'm not quite done with the book myself, and don't want it ruined for me nor would I want to ruin it for anyone else. :0)

However, I do have some observations I must make about the character in general. Last night as I read another large chunk of the final installation of HP, I found myself letting a couple tears slip out here and there. Everything the poor guy has gone through to save the wizarding race, actually all races, from evil. He has lost many near and dear to him, and his journey has not always been easy.

There was a part in the book where he is asking alot of the big questions: why is the path turning out like this? Why wasn't I trusted? Why wasn't I told? These are questions we can all resonate with as well, and as weird as it sounds, i was proud of him for asking these questions.

The biggest thing that struck me though was how he realized that maybe his journey had to be this way. Maybe he couldn't be told - perhaps he had to figure things out on his own. And I put the book down and smiled to myself, knowing that God knew exactly why. Because it's the same for me: it might have taken me longer to 'get' to certain places, but I wouldn't trade that journey for anything. It's worth all the questions and doubts and fears - because my walk with God is so much richer than if everything came easily and I was told everything.

I'm so glad God lets us work it out for ourselves, with his help, at our own pace.

Figuring Things Out

2007-07-13T09:46:00.000-04:00

Lately I've been really amazed at how much I think I know myself, but then discover these little things I don't know about myself. For instance, my new roommate had the book "5 Love Languages for Singles." OK, before you mock me for reading it, I want to say i am quite secure in the fact that I read this.

Scary thing - I didn't know my love language. I know what I like to do to show people I care about them, but am not sure what I need in order to feel cared about.

I also don't know what activities do or do not give me rest, or sabbath.

I'm not sure what scares me most in this life: living comfortably or living with risk?

Would I rather be married or single? Have a few close, true friends or a lot of acquaintances? Am I part of the new evangelical movement, or am I a conservative living in emergent-esque clothing?

I'm on a quest to rediscover what makes Melinda, Melinda. Join me if you want, and if you are doing the same thing for yourself, share the journey - I'd love to know your thoughts and discoveries.

Finally, out of work for the day! I'm heading off to a wonderful weekend of relaxation!
-M

2007-07-08T17:06:00.000-04:00

Well folks, I'm here! That's right, I'm in Hotlanta! It's wonderful here - just went for a run but feel like I went for a bath. :) So humid and sticky here this time of year.

It's my 2nd time at ICRS, and I am stoked. I've already seen a ton of familiar faces, met some new friends, set up our awesome new booth, and settled into my room.

But this trip does have a sadness to it. you see, last time I was at ICRS it was also in Atlanta, but Rob Lacey was here last time. He has now been home with God for a little over a year, but that summer trip to Atlanta was amazing. Rob, Bill and Rachel were the ones God used to finally get me to write my birthmom. And Rob was in slightly better health then, and I got to see more of who he really was. More of who Rob without cancer was. So the memories here are bittersweet, because Rob was one of my favorite people on this planet, and I miss him alot.

But who knows what this year has in store! I can't wait to see what happens over the next couple of days...

Anger is ugly

2007-06-25T12:02:00.000-04:00

So, this weekend. What can I say?? I went back to my hometown for my birthday, and it really may have been the worst birthday ever. It wasn't all bad, but it wasn't that special, either.

And so this whole thing about unmet expectations reared its ugly head, and I am so, so angry right now. Saturday was bad, Sunday was worse, and today, Monday morning, it just was the final straw.

And what is it about the people you love the most being the ones who leave the biggest gashes on your heart? I mean, I would think that my family should be a safe place, not the place that leaves me broken and crying. All the scars on my heart that I thought were healed and sealed were ripped open again, and now I am alone, angry, and trying to let go.

Today's verse of the day was interesting in light of everything I said to (shouted at) God last night:
""Who can hide in secret places so that I cannot see them?” declares the Lord. “Do not I fill heaven and earth?” declares the Lord."
Jeremiah 23:24

I guess I can't hide from God, but being straight up with him about all of this is hard. Because I see the darkness, the ugliness in my heart. And I can't right now conceive how he can see beauty and light in there. How Jesus can really take my place.

Almost There!

2007-06-22T20:13:00.000-04:00

It's almost my birthday! Which is funny because usually I make it a big deal, because I'm kind of a big deal...(Ron Burgundy anyone!?) But this year, it's really not a big thing. It's going to be such a low-key day, and that's actually OK with me. I'm realizing that maybe I don't need all the attention like I thought I did.

It's been a cool day today because so many friends at work got me presents, and some friends at Z took me out for lunch. I haven't laughed so hard in a long time. I love my fellow 20somethings at Z who can get off-site and really just be themselves and not worry about appearances. Being comfortable in your own skin is so important to me.

It's been a cool week overall because God has been giving me blessing after blessing and encouragement after encouragement. People have been telling me the changes they've seen in me, and how open I am to God's blessings now instead of rejecting them. They've told me they're proud of me. They've bought me ice cream and shared the deepest parts of their walk with God. They've bared their soul.

And so tomorrow, my only hope is that I get another day to see Jesus revealed to me. Another day to lay down my life for someone else. Another chance to restore things and bring happiness to others. Oh, well that, and I do hope to hear from a couple of good friends of mine! I've missed my girls lately, and hope they call soon!!

Happy Friday night,
Melin

Taking Stock: A Review

2007-06-19T13:02:00.001-04:00

Well folks, in 4 short days it’s my birthday. Yup, another year gone by. I will be the wonderful old age of 26. (ha!)

As I sat the other night, taking stock of the past year and thinking about who I want to become, I jotted some things/actions I am committing myself to over the next year.

In my 26th year, these are the things I want to accomplish:

1) Follow my heart at all costs
2) Learn to see God more clearly
3) Relax more!
4) Read more books
5) Study the Torah, for the law of Lord is sweeter than honey :0)
6) See my sisters!!!
7) Love unconditionally
8) Fight for friendships
9) Learn grace under fire
10) Trust God more completely
11) Have a kind heart
12) Live on God’s timetable, not mine
13) Overcome any remaining abandonment issues
14) Open my heart to being loved
15) Discoverg the magic in the everyday moments
16) Establish a solid church community
17) Live with eyes wide open, looking for God’s smallest and biggest wonders
18) Encourage those I care about more frequently
19) Give back to those who have given so much to me
20) Write an article (and get it published maybe!)
21) Baby-sit more. I miss kids!!
22) Love my mom more completely
23) Take the leap and get tested for breast cancer
24) Pray more often for those around me, instead of for my selfish wants

lessons from an unintended source

2007-06-19T00:10:00.000-04:00

Today I got an email in from my friend who recently got a new puppy. I sent an email nicely asking (aka demanding!) to see cute pictures asap. The dog is so darned cute!!!

In his response about how the weekend with the new puppy was, he said "Actually we started crate training him so we did go out for a little bit on Sunday... just to help him realize that when we leave, we are coming back."

And he was really talking about the dog. There was no deeper lesson intended. But, for me, that one sentence cut right through to my very core.

"We left to help him realize that when we leave, we are coming back."

For years, my biggest fear was that someone would 'leave' me. It wasn't entirely an irrational fear, because many people did leave me or abandon me in my times of needs, or in friendships altogether, and so whenever I saw a situation arising where someone was leaving or I was leaving, I would immediately push them away. It was easier to run and push them away early on so it would hurt less later. (For anyone reading this who does this, just remember one thing: it is not easier later on if you push them away.)

And this same friend who now has the dog, oh, I can remember conversations about this topic.
In fact, I wouldn't be the person I am today without these conversations. One of them in particular, I remember, occurred at work. I was in my cubicle, very very upset with a couple of things. People weren't respecting me, I felt God had started a plan for my life and then left in the middle of it, and here I was crying and telling my new friend these things. And at one point I said "it's OK. you can leave now. I understand."

My poor, bewildered friend. He said 'what do you mean? why would I leave?' Well, because honestly, for all of my formative years I was told I was 'too much to handle' and so if I was too much, people were going to give up or let go. So I figured he would realize one day that I was too much, and I expected each day to be that day. When I told him that, you know what he did?

He didn't leave.

He didn't run.

He sat down in the chair opposite of me. And waited...

I asked what was going on. And he said "I will sit here for as long as it takes for you to understand that I will never, ever leave you. Friends don't do that to each other, and a few tears aren't going to force me out."

I tell you, friends, that Jesus was alive and real in him. I've never felt love or acceptance or friendship to that degree.

And now I am stronger, and I no longer expect or wait for people to leave. I've learned to see love in its purest form again, thanks to friends like this and my roommates from Calvin. God has led me through a painful yet beautiful healing process.

So today I thought about the idea of leaving for a short while just to let someone know you will come back. You might leave, but you will always return.

What does that look like in our spiritual lives? Is it possible that God sometimes 'leaves' to show us that he will always come back? Is that essentially what he did when Jesus was on the cross?

I think now that leaving looks a lot less scary, and a lot more like an opportunity to see the return.

Tired

2007-06-18T01:06:00.001-04:00

Guess what time it is! WAY past my bedtime!! I go to bed at 10pm regularly, but last week with all the stress of work and the schoolwork that was due, I found myself up past midnight most nights. And tonight is no different: we were up north really late helping my parents on the cottage, and now I have a team paper to finish up (my final school assignment ever!). I usually end up being the ‘final touches’ person, and I love that. However, the night that it ends up turning into ‘5 hours of sleep night!’ I am not so ecstatic.

Honestly, I’m more than just sleep tired. I’m emotionally exhausted. This weekend was awesome because I can’t remember the last time I slept in until 9am, and just had good, solid, uninterrupted sleep. And working outside with my hands is always a favorite of mine: it’s so different than what I do at my job 5 days a week that it’s a welcome change. And to have your body work so hard and fall into that contented sleep at the end of the day, after good meals and great conversation…oh, that is surely a glimpse of ‘olam haba’. :)

But my mind, oh boy, is that ever tired. All I know is that I have had so much to think about lately, and it’s starting to affect me. I’m second-guessing myself, my abilities, my discernment, my character, my vulnerability. And I am just plumb tuckered out. It didn’t help that we missed church today, because right now I desperately need to rest in the Lord. And I can do that outside of church, but I love church so much and I hate missing it when we’re up north.

Both my mind and my heart are tired. So all I know, friends, is that I’m going to retreat for a little bit and find the peace my soul needs.

May God give you exactly what you need today. He is ever with you, carrying your burdens beside you.

oh, so jealous!

2007-06-14T23:05:00.000-04:00

See this picture. This is Ben & Amanda's new dog they get on Saturday. Bailey. So precious!!! And of course they get the puppy after they move thousands of miles away. argh. But I will see it sometime, maybe next spring when I finally visit Seattle again!!!

Welcome, Bailey.

numb

2007-06-14T10:04:00.000-04:00

So, I am a big LP fan (Linkin' Park), and one of the songs I really like is one called 'numb'. Often I can't listen to their music because its heavy and dark, and it can really affect my mood. But I am feeling numb today. Numb to my thoughts, my fears, my work, my class, my friends, my family.

I think I'm simply running on autopilot today, and that is not the way I want to live my life. I do believe it will be better tomorrow, and that while the fog may not have lifted God will provide me tomorrow with the strength I need to sort through some stuff.

Tonight is my last night of class. As I sat at the library last night with an old friend from my Calvin days, i felt a little bit sad. I'm going to miss those moments. I still wrestle with my need to 'accomplish' things in order to have self-worth. Believe me, it's much rarer these days that I wrestle with it, but because of my upbringing it will always be something that creeps in here or there.

And the thing I am finding I dislike the most is that everyone asks 'so, what's next? what are you going to do with all that free time?' To me, it implies an idea that I have to move on to 'doing' something again. My dad told me to take one year off and then go for my PhD. And I said 'no, I want to live my life in a different way for a while. i've been selfish with my time, and it's now time to give it back.'

So here are some of the things I am most excited for, things I can now do that class is over:
1) Sleep
2) Eat healthier
3) Exercise more
4) Be a mentor for a Calvin student this fall
5) Volunteer with local missions and organizations
6) Hang out with my friends!!!!!!!!!
7) Read more books
8) Go to 'quiet places' to seek God more fully

Things I am not going to do:
1) Find something else to consume every ounce of energy and every minute of the day that leaves me feeling tired and selfish
2) Spend my new free time working more (this one will be hard for me, but I will not give in to it!)
3) Sit around and do nothing

Ok, well, that's it. As I said before I feel numb to most things, so hopefully these ramblings make some sort of sense. :)

once again

2007-06-12T22:41:00.000-04:00

i sit here, once again up way too late to make it through the work day tomorrow.

once again I am feeling a bit thrown off by the fact that school is almost over. it's been a part of my identity for so long, that it feels weird to think of it not being there.

once again I'm confused about certain life situations, wondering why God allows certain things to happen, grateful for his grace in showing me truth, wondering what he has in store for me next.

once again I wish things were different. that loved ones lived closer, that I could actually sleep at night (this is a new occurrence that I can't sleep, and I am missing the feeling of actually waking up in the morning, instead of just laying in bed waiting for the alarm to ring so I have an excuse to get up)

once again I'm seeing the many blessings in my life. and missing dear friends. and knowing I wouldn't be the woman I am without them in my life, and also recognizing that there are seasons and in this season they are all needed elsewhere.

When is it my turn for an elsewhere? Or because of my constnat wanderlust, is Grand Rapids the place that will always be my 'elsewhere'?

And, this is scary to admit out loud because I can't even believe I'm saying it...

i like Grand Rapids.

i could settle down here.

i actually don't feel the wanderlust like I did in high school and college.

crap, is this what they call maturity!? :)

Musings

2007-06-12T16:13:00.000-04:00

Broken. Scared. Confused. Worried.

Dad might be having mini-strokes. Grandparents not doing well. Big questions I’m working through. Doubts about my abilities.

Content. Joyful. Blessed. Full.

New friends who love me for me. People to reach out and care. New opportunities to serve. A new small group to join. Becoming a mentor for Calvin students.

Life is a mix of emotions, of hurts and joys, of triumphs and pain.

I wouldn’t change it for the world. And am grateful I've been given one more day.

Until tomorrow,
M

Lessons from TBE

2007-06-11T20:47:00.000-04:00

Today I got to audio proof some of the Old Testament Bible Experience (comes out this fall, better check it out because it sounds AWESOME!) It was amazing listening today!

I had picked Esther because I love that book of the Bible. But then on a whim I also picked a disk with Ezra and Nehemiah on it.

(Insert: I must say that my job is awesome. How many people get paid to listen to a star-studded audio production of the Bible? How many people get to have a quiet time with God in the midst of all the crazyness, and have it count as work? Amazing.)

Anyways, what blew me away were the things I picked up on in Ezra and Nehemiah.

1) They saw every good thing as related to God, or coming from God. The phrase “and because the gracious hand of my God was upon me” or “because the favor of my God was upon me”….the king granted my request. My life was spared.
How many of us are quick to see the bad things and wonder where God is, but forget to acknowledge him as the giver of all good things?
And because the favor of my God was upon me…I made it through the ‘dry’ season.
And because the favor of my God was upon me…the work of my hands was blessed.
And because the favor of my God was upon me…I was spared a foolish decision.

2) Another interesting observation: we see these lists of names. Men who were part of the army, men who were leaders of Israel, men who made this trip or that trip. And we get bored in these lists of names. But how many of us want to leave a legacy? How many want to be recognized for what we do? For our faithfulness? For our leadership? These men are honored for their names are ever carried down in God’s Word. That alone is enough for a reverent pause when reading through the lists. These aren’t simply names: these were people who were children of God. They are part of the legacy of our faith.

3) The other final phrase that kept sticking out today were the pleas of men for God 'to remember them with favor'. I don’t often ask God to remember me for the 'good' things I have done. Often because I feel that those things pale in comparison to all the bad things I do, the mistakes I make. But I respect and desire the cries of these men for God to remember their works done in faithfulness, their pleadings done in grace, and their prayers offered up with sacrifice.

I really like the Old Testament alot. I've been mesmerized by 1 and 2 Kings, and also Chronicles. (this may not seem a big deal to you all, but I'm recording this because I never thought I would see the day that I would LOVE reading the Bible, especially the OT books!)

May God's grace be with you.

A Beautiful Day

2007-06-11T08:11:00.000-04:00

Saturday, a message from a friend. Unexpected, great advice, wisdom, full of care & kindness. A reminder that friendship is an incredible blessing, not to be taken lightly, and true friendship thinks of the other and puts them first even amidst hectic times.

Woke up. Sunshine. Dew on the grass. A bright spirit. A cheerful heart.

New roommate sound asleep downstairs. First time living away from the parents. Vulnerable, excited, timid, secure. Kind, protective, loving, giving.

Parents safely home from New Jersey. Refreshed, Rejuvenated, Inspired.

Drove to work. My car runs. A full tank of gas. Great stereo system. :0)

A great email. Reassurance. Kindness. Confidence.

Today. A great day. Ripe with possibilities. I have much to be thankful for.

So.

Very.

Much.

It's 8am. Work is starting. Fresh faces, refreshed souls, family-filled hearts.

All these blessings. Don't take them for granted.

God provides.

And so I will say it again: I have much to be thankful for.

Lessons from the Lawn

2007-06-09T14:24:00.001-04:00

This week I have completely neglected my house, particularly the outside of it. So last night I mowed the grass so that small children wouldn't get lost in it, and I weeded my front gardens.

And as I saw the college guys moving out of the house across the street, I got to thinking about now they've graduated and a new phase of life is starting. And how the future is just ripe with possibility. They have so much to offer this world, and so many exciting opportunities ahead of them.

And I saw them leaving, thought of the grad parties they had a few weeks ago, and how I had been outside mowing the lawn on that Friday night as well. A small thought crept in my head "I am the oldest 25-year-old I know." But then I snapped out of it, and reminded myself that I chose to buy a house and take on the responsibilities that come along with that. I reminded myself that I chose this simplistic life, not going out every weekend, choosing to cultivate this house into a home instead of always seeing the newest movie etc. And I challenged myself to be content on a night when I might rather be out to dinner than cutting the grass.

Then I moved on to weeding the front gardens. It had been about 2 weeks in between weedings (schoolwork had taken priority), and lots of little new weeds had sprung up. I sat down and began to pull them.
One at a time.
A monotonous task.
And one that allows my mind to wander and my heart to dream.

And suddenly, I stopped! I had planted some bulbs a few weeks back, and each week was checking to watch for their growth. Nothing. Nothing again. Weeks later, still nothing. But as I was weeding, I saw new growth. I saw these flowers pushing their way up through the soil. And my eyes filled. Because here were these plants that will blossom into beautiful flowers, but it took them a long time to get there. They had to push their way up through the dirt, unlike the other flowers I have. They had all these obstacles in their way, and they had to be disciplined and determined to get through. They knew they had a specific purpose, and that if they didn't grow and push, they wouldn't fulfill that purpose. And my eyes filled because I heard God say 'this is you. I know what you've had to push through, and what you are working through right now. It's OK if it takes you a little longer than everyone else. I love you, and I will see my works completed in you. Keep pushing onward to fulfill your purpose." It was amazing, because I see an ugly weed that should be pulled; he sees a beautiful flower on its way to blooming.

These little flowers are late bloomers. (ha, yes a pun was intended!!) But that doesn't minimize their value. They will actually bloom as my other flowers are wilting. They will sustain through the hottest part of the summer. They will bring beauty where there is none.

It encouraged me to keep searching, keep pushing, keep letting God lead my steps and not worry if others around me are getting there faster. My mom pointed out to me the other day that I'm not married. (wow, really? thanks Mom, I mean, how did I miss the fact I'm not married!?) Her point was, she didn't know why I wasn't. She sees me through eyes of love and they cover over all my faults.

And I told her that it just has taken me a long time to trust people, to want love, and to not my fear of letting someone in stop me from wanting marriage.

Like those flowers, I'm a late bloomer in that area. But I am getting there. Maybe one day love will be a part of my story.

And I smiled to myself because I am already loved. By my Father. And that is enough.

Finding Strength

2007-06-07T22:35:00.000-04:00

Today, I missed my friend. My friend moved away 6 months ago to work for an awesome humanitarian non-profit organization, and I thought it was going to be really hard without him around.

On Thursday’s we would leave work to grab Burger King (or Subway when trying to be healthy!) and chat about life, God, solving the world’s problems, and he would kindly listen through my most recent boy issue (and likely thank God every second that he was married and didn’t have to deal with this stuff anymore!)

I drove in to work at noon today (worked from home in the morning), and passed by the BK. The BK where one time, I drove out and all I had to do was simply go through the light to get back to Z. But no, my brain shut off, and I totally turned right to make a Michigan turn back on to the same road I had been on. I am such an airhead sometimes!!! I think he laughed pretty hard at that one!

And for a minute, I missed my friend and the times we had together. I missed the laughter, the mocking, the teasing, the deep conversations, the challenges, the safety and trust I felt. And I thought back and realized how much God has been sustaining me.

Lately I’ve taken to praying the Lord’s Prayer very often. All I really want for each day is the daily bread I need. And you know what? In the midst of a challenging week, God has given me everything I need to be strong. The strength I’ve had this week can only come from him. I must continue to choose to rest in him, and let him be my strength. It’s been an amazing time in my life these past 6 months. God has completed works in me, and begun other ones.

And each day he has given me my daily bread.

Perceptions

2007-06-06T18:50:00.000-04:00

Have you ever heard someone describe you, and think 'wow, you’ve got it all wrong?' Lately I’ve really been thinking about incorrect perceptions, and how they happen all the time. For instance, many people seem to think I have it all together. They tell me I have such an awesome, exciting job (if you thrive on stress, then absolutely, I agree!). That it’s incredible I am doing grad school while working full-time, and it must mean I’m really smart. (S-M-R-T) And wow, isn’t it so cool that you lived overseas and traveled the world? You are so cultured!

And let me tell you something. That whole school + work thing? Yeah, about that... You know where I am right now, on this gorgeous Wednesday evening? At the library. You know what I had to cancel tonight to get my group presentation finished for tomorrow night? Dinner with two new friends (a dinner that was set up 3.5 weeks ago!) You know what I just did? Ate KFC, alone. In my car. In the parking lot.

And my job…yeah, it’s awesome. But on days like this when everyone and their brother (or, my brother!) has emergencies and urgent deadlines and you are the only one there to help, it’s hard not to go home to an empty house and want to cry. But you know what stops me from crying? The fact that I just remembered I still have work that didn’t get done before I had to leave, so I get to do that yet tonight too. There simply is no time for the tears.

And yeah, I lived overseas for 3 years. And it was pretty great, overall. And yet…I was ridiculed all the time for my ‘American-ness’. The teachers hated us Americans, and were on a mission to strip away every ounce of self-confidence we had. And I never really quite fit in. And then I move back to the US and guess what? I now am too British to fit in over here. And my friends distance themselves from me. And I only know European history. And I only know British sports. Sweet.

My point? So glad you asked. :0) It’s so easy to see people and think things like ‘oh, she’s so organized. He’s so cool. She’s the kind of mom I wish I had. He’s the kind of husband we all want.’

But behind each perception is the reality. The mom struggling to balance all the responsibilities. The super husband who wonders who he is, and if he married too young. The girl who has it together on the outside, but is falling apart on the inside. The guy who’s ‘too cool for school’ who wonders if people would accept him if he removed the mask and showed them who he really was.

My friends, you are not alone. Your struggles are unique to you because they are yours, and yet you are not the only one to wrestle with the big questions, the feelings of loneliness, or the urge to run away and start somewhere fresh.

I recently had to apologize to a new friend of mine because I’d completely misjudged him. I’d created a perception of who he was, and it was completely false. It wasn’t until I saw what was inside of him that showed me how wrong I had been.

And many times I wonder, if I just let my guard down, and showed people what was inside, would that shatter their perception of me, and would they still love me? What if I told a friend, ‘I’m struggling this week. And I’m hurting. I just need a hug. And while you’re at it, do you know anyone who could mow my lawn this week? I just can’t do it all – I’m not superwoman.’ Would they walk away? Or would they stick around? Would they love me more? Or, would they love me less?

For once, I’m not running. I’m not running from the person I am, or the woman I was created to be. I’m not scared to ask for help or admit that I just can’t do it all. A few years ago, I would have let your perception of me lead me in the way I lived my life. But no longer. The mask is off. I am who I am, and that is enough.

A Cruel Irony

2007-06-05T22:19:00.000-04:00

To be all that you are.

And still not be enough.

A Prayer

2007-06-04T16:09:00.000-04:00

A great prayer* I need to open and close each day with. Absolutely.

"I have one simple prayer Lord, purify me, purify me. I have one simple prayer Lord, purify me.

I have one simple aim Lord, to glorify you, to glorify you. I have one simple aim Lord, to glorify you."

*from one of my favorite songs

Unexpected Blessings

2007-06-03T19:55:00.000-04:00

2007. I rang in the new year, expecting to have a great one. I mean, who really kicks off a new year thinking "this is going to be the hardest year of my life. it's going to be horrible!"

But it started, and it felt as though things were cascading one after another. Best friend moves. Car insurance problems causes a 30% increase in payments. A big fight with a close friend. Propoerty tax problems equal to payments above what I can literally afford. Roommate moves out and thus 'income' lowers. Roof leaks. A lot.

Looking at that list, it doesn't look like a lot. But it was very stretching. And each day I was waiting for the other shoe to fall. Daily I began asking God to provide. I just told him that I was alone and in a place where I couldn't sustain myself on my own. I didn't have the strength to hold it together alone.

And it has been the most amazing 5 months of my life! Not only has God provided for me each day the things I need that day, but he has given me little bits and pieces along the way to make ends meet. A new roommate. A tax return. Extra money for taking notes for a learning disability student in my classes. New friends. Support from my friends. Encouraging notes. Uplifting phone calls. Supportive emails.

But the best part? Somehow, I am more content and more at peace than ever before. It's almost as though I had to go through this refining fire to get to this new, more mature, more God-connected place. And you know what? I wouldn't trade this time for the world. I'd rather be more connected to God and my loved ones than live a comfortable life. I can handle the stretching now. I can function really well despite the added stress. I've seen that friends who are far awar aren't far away in spirit. That friendship changes, but that doesn't have to mean it gets worse or less.

I'm grateful that God taught me these lessons (and many more!). I'm glad I've had this time. Reminds me of this verse from the Psalms:

Psalm 1:3a "They are like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season..."

I've been drinking the water, and yielding fruit in season. And now I have made a committment to never stop drinking the water. God is my true lifeline.

Beauty

2007-06-02T14:07:00.000-04:00

What is beautiful?

Is it make-up? The right hair style? Flawless skin? Revealing clothing? Flashy cars? Expensive jewelry? Plastic surgery? Big houses? Manicured lawns? A certain fragrance?

Or is it a tender heart? An openness to God's calling? A responsive spirit to his promptings? Kindness? Compassion? A desire to pursue love and give love and accept love? Simplicity? A good listener? Timely words? Wisdom? Grace? Nurture? Hospitality? Gentleness? Hope? Faith? Passion? Charisma?

You decide. I decide. We decide for ourselves every day what beauty is. Because beauty is what we seek, and so our actions show us what we really determine beauty is.

I recently bought new nailpolish because in my opinion, beautiful nails are the ones that are painted. (though, interestingly, it's a rare occasion I find myself with painted nails!)

How many of us think we need to paint over who we are in order to appear beautiful? Paint over those scars. Drywall over the open wounds. Mask those fears. Paint over the doubts. Cover up those questions.

Or can we really free ourselves to believe that the beauty is in the scars, and in the wounds, in the deepest fears and doubts, and in the questions?

11:16

2007-05-31T23:16:00.000-04:00

So, it's almost bedtime. And here I lay in bed, writing this blog. I've been really thinking about someting lately. A friend/colleague of mine asked me while in town last week "Melinda, do you even know how to relax?" And I indignantly (of course!) answered yes.

But let's see....I was up until 2am last night reading my case study for class tonight. Woke up at 5:30 to write out my homework due tonight. Got to work early at 7 to dig into emails and start the day. Over lunch I wrote my case study responses, then after work I drove to class, sat in my car in the parking garage listening to songs to relax, and then headed in to the libray to finish my case study questions. I then had class, drove home and talked on the phone to a good friend, all while watering the lawn and doing a load of laundry. Then I caught up on my myspace/virb/facebook, and now I'm about to do my Bible reading and go to bed.

Why do I tell you this? Because I am trying to figure out if I am just really disciplined, if this is situational business because of class, or if I really do have an addition to 'productivity'. And, because I really need people to remind me to carve out time to relax. I enjoy doing it, but I was raised in a home where you were loved more if you accomplished more, and the opposite was also true. So, sometimes I think if I do more, I'll be loved more.

What a falsity!! How dare I believe that crap. And yet, it was such a part of my formative years, that sometimes it creeps back in.

Today while having an e-conversation with a friend, I mentioned that I should have turned out so different from the woman I am today. And my friends, it is all because of God's grace. Directly from the big guy himself, but also grace through my friends like Jenny Jones, Jenny VB, Sarah and Ben. I'm so blessed to be in this place - a place of contentment and peace.

So, things I am excited about for tomorrow!?
1) Work (treat time - I'm making cookie monsters for everyone!)
2) Carpooling
3) Finishing the book of Micah
4) Wearing my cute new tank top (I havent been shopping in 6 months. it's quite exciting to get something new, even if choosing what I will replace it with and donate is a hard decision!)
5) Taking a nap after work
6) Listening to music
7) Going dancing with Nikki!!!
8) One night without homework

So there you go. Perhaps I do know how to relax. Or perhaps all that matters is the fact that I am secure in who I am, relaxed or high strung, and that I am able to relax in Christ. I am at peace because I rest in him. Hallelujah!

news

2007-05-30T21:55:00.000-04:00

bad news seems to be everywhere. People getting sick, people losing jobs, people losing hope, people giving in. It can be hard to stay above water in these hard times, but we do have a promise. God will not leave us. He may not provide in the ways we expect, or give us what we would want...but he does provide. He does sustain. He does give us what we need.

I'm clinging to this hope I carry, a hope that no one or no thing can take away. Hold on, keep looking up.

Changes (everything has its season)

2007-05-29T22:26:00.000-04:00

This past weekend was certainly the best weekend of 2007. See, I got together with my roommates and best friends from college for our annual reunion. These five girls have been so instrumental in the 4 most life-stretching, faith-shaping, community-building years of my life. All 6 of us have a mutual interest and role in each others lives.

The interesting thing this weekend was seeing how many changes the past year has held for all of us. New jobs, new bosses, new colleagues, new challenges, new losses, new struggles, new babies, new boyfriends, new hopes, new dreams, new separations. And yet as we came together, it’s wonderful to see how much we all share in each other’s joys, sorrows, burdens, and celebrations.

So no matter what lies ahead for any of us Phi 32 chicas, we know we don’t have to go it alone. We’ve got sisters who loves us and support us, women who see the God-given potential we each possess and who will push us to use those gifts for his glory, women who help carry our burdens and lighten our load a little bit.

I am so grateful I had a weekend to be with these girls. To be fully present in their midst, and to learn from them, pour into them, and be there for them. I love these girls, and we are truly blessed to have found each other and stayed by each other.

Looking forward to Seattle next spring!!! Beckie, here we come!

What You Gave (A Tribute)

2007-05-24T22:00:00.000-04:00

You cared more about building others up than about getting the attention.
It was more important that you help others reach their potential than that you reached yours. Actually, you saw that helping others reach their potential was you reaching yours, too.
You pushed us all, asked the tough questions, wasn't afraid to dig in with the team and put in the hours with us.

You saw something in a 22-year-old girl who was searching for who she was. She found herself, and it all began with a prodding from you. I owe you much for who I am today. Thanks for the opportunity to work for you, I will never forget it.

--------------------
This tribute was written as a thank you, but also as a reminder for me to think of the leadership and personality traits I respect, and want to emulate. let us never forget.

Following (at all costs)

2007-05-17T15:08:00.000-04:00

Some days it feels so very hard to follow Jesus. You know, to truly love someone more than we love ourselves, to honestly listen and hear someone when they speak instead of jumping in with our response before they finish theirs, to be willing to give up our 'hard-earned' money to give to someone who has none, to turn the other cheek when someone slaps us (emotionally or physically) and not give in to the shouting match or give in to slapping them right back.

This week I've had a lot of 'drama' with friends, and it's gotten to the point that it has distracted me while at work. Not cool! Anyways, one dear friend who came over to visit me Tuesday night when she heard the hurt I had in my heart decided that the reason that sometimes these things happen to me is that I am too nice. (I guess meaning that no matter how mean someone gets with their words to me, I do my best to bite my tongue and not attack back, knowing I would cause them the equal amount of hurt they have caused me. I've stood by people during times when they have given no reason for me to trust that they have any best interest for me or their other friends at heart.)

Don't get me wrong,I've also been the friend that causes pain. We've all said spiteful things, lashed out when we should have loved, cried in self-pity when we should have stood up, dusted off, and moved on.

But what I have come to realize this week is that it's not about me. It's not even so much about my feelings. When someone attacks in word or in deed, sure, it will hurt. And it's OK that it hurts. But, would Jesus have sat around crying and agonizing about it? Or would he have chosen love?

It's hard for me to know what is being a doormat and what is love. To separate giving someone another chance, and giving someone too many chances. To open your heart to friendship knowing that it will get dinged up along the way (pastor Jeff preached a great sermon about that, I need to find the link and post it on here!), versus opening your heart to a friendship you know is simply emotionally abusive.

I've decided that while I need to do what protects me from abuse from others, I also need to still give people chances and respond in love. I honestly don't believe anyone can be 'too nice'. We are called to love and give ourselves away. And when it's refused? Jesus has been through it, too. When we're walked over/trampled on/accused of false things/misunderstood? Jesus has been there, too.

When we feel all alone and ask God where he is and why we feel so alone?

Jesus was there, too. Rest in that truth. He has been there, and he is with you. Yahweh.

Problem Girl

2007-05-16T13:35:00.000-04:00

I love this song by Rob Thomas. Sums up alot of what is going right now.

"Don't let 'em get where they're going to
You know they're only what they think of you
You heard of this emotional trickery
And you felt like you were learning the ropes
But where you're going now you don't know

And when the kids on the street say
What's your problem girl
And the weight of their smile's just
Too much for you to bear
When they all make you feel
Like you're a problem girl
Remember
You're no problem at all
You're no problem at all"

Great song. Especially the piano notes. :)

John Donne

2007-05-16T07:49:00.000-04:00

John Donne is my favorite poet. I decided today was a perfect day to post this favorite poem of mine, by none other than the late John Donne (1572-1631).

Batter My Heart, Three-Personed God

Batter my heart, three-personed God; for, you
As yet but knock, breathe, shine, and seek to mend;
That I may rise and stand, o'erthrow me, and bend
Your force, to break, blow, burn, and make me new.
I, like an usurped town, to another due,
Labor to admit you, but oh, to no end.
Reason, your viceroy in me, me should defend,
But is captived, and proves weak or untrue.
Yet dearly I love you, and would be loved fain,
But am betrothed unto your enemy:
Divorce me, untie, or break that knot again,
Take me to you, imprison me, for I
Except you enthrall me, never shall be free,
Nor ever chaste, except you ravish me.

Changes

2007-05-04T10:46:00.000-04:00

'There is only one constant in life: change.'

Many people say this, live by this, die by this. Change can be good or it can be bad. It can make life easier or it can make life harder. It can free our hearts from the captivity of our own grudges and perceptions and misgivings.

This year has been a huge year of change for me. And many of them at the time I didn't think were good changes. Or, they were simply really difficult for me to work through at the time.

Now, I see God's redeeming love in every moment of these changes. I see how he is bringing me out of captivity and into freedom. And how these changes have allowed my heart to let go of things I was holding onto too tightly, and God has been able to bring new love and light and perception in.

Overall, I love change. I don't run from it, though sometimes it's scary. I really enjoy seeing how God pulls me out of something and brings me into something even better.

You never know what the future holds...

What is Real

2007-04-09T07:57:00.000-04:00

Last night was a particularly cruel night. Everything that has transpired in the last 3.5 months came at me full force, and I realized I coudn't stuff it all down inside.

And as I was working through things, and thinking about people, I came to realize something.

The only thing that is real...
is the one thing I can't
see.
feel.
touch.

God is the only person I can't doubt. He is the only one who truly knows me, and the only one who will never leave.

And yet, he is also the only one I have never seen or touched or felt.

I found the simple irony of that intriguing and as this realization came to me, for the first time last night, I smiled.

Once in a While

2007-03-28T11:02:00.000-04:00

“But now a time has come when it is possible to look back on those years of turmoil and to describe, with more objectivity than was possible before, the place to which all of that struggle has brought me. I am still not free enough to let myself be held completely in the safe embrace of the Father. In many ways I am still moving toward the center. I am still like the prodigal: traveling, preparing speeches, anticipating how it will be when I finally reach my Father’s house. But I am, indeed, on my way home. I have left the distant country and come to feel the nearness of love. And so, I am ready now to share my story. There is some hope, some light, some consolation to be found in it.”
-Henri Nouwen

Once in a while, I find words that bring immense comfort and joy, either because they put into words something my heart has longed to express or because I feel understood, because someone else has gone through the same thing I have.

This quote from Nouwen's book (The Return of the Prodigal Son) is one of the latter half: it's a statement in which I find myself, and in which I recognize a kindred soul.

May the journey continue...

2007-03-23T08:23:00.000-04:00

Freedom to Be

What does this mean? Are we truly free? I have lived overseas in a country where we did not the freedoms we have in the US. I’ve traveled to countries and looked at girls my same age (9 at the time) stuck in that sweat shop making rugs for the rest of their lives. Rugs my friends and family and I will buy from big stores who charge lots and pay the workers little. These girls were not free to be their full selves, to live to their full potential as human beings.

My roommate was not free to be in her marriage. Her husband emotionally beat her down. Last night I got the new Keith Urban CD (amazing!) and played the song ‘Stupid Boy’ for her. I’m not putting all this on her husband, but this song resonated with her. And my hunch is that it resonates with many women out there who have male figures in their life who have beat them down. Emotionally. The pain one feels when their uniqueness is told it’s not enough. It’s not good enough. It will never be enough.

Many people live in captivity. For some, it’s physical. They aren’t fully allowed to be who they are. Women are forced to become secondary objects, not own property, not speak, not teach. They aren’t free to be.

For others, it’s an emotional captivity. They aren’t free to be because somehow that one person still has power over them. Or they are tormented with thoughts of worthlessness, despair, hopelessness, sadness, guilt. Or that person in their life, like the male figure in 'Stupid Boy' still tells them they aren't enough, they aren't worthy, they can never be free to be themselves, because being themself isn't worthy.

But we can be free.

I am proof of that. I’ve broken free from emotional captivity. Finally, I have been given the chance (translate that as I was forced/pushed into it by life circumstances!) to step out truly on my own. No one to be overly dependent on. No one to remind me I am smart, fun, loveable, etc. No one to hold my hand through it all. It’s time for me to be an adult, to step out, to fully accept love from my friends and be able to offer my hand to them when I need them to walk beside me. To lean on them when I feel despair. Not to expect it or to depend on it, but to ask for it, and accept it.

You know how I broke free?

Love.

Love wins.

God’s love.

He never quit chasing me and showing me I am enough.

Be enough. Today, you are enough. You are free to be.

2007-03-22T09:17:00.000-04:00

World Water Day

That's today, folks. Are you doing your part? Am I?

I have a leaky faucet in my bathtub at home. I've been really hesitant to fix it because it's dang expensive.

But to me, it's now more than just the money. The fact that I carelessly let water go to waste each and every day, each minute, each second...while people in over countries don't even HAVE a chance for clean water...well, it's sickening.

And, last time I got my water bill (which is high for my area, because of this leak), I broke it down and I think it was like $1.50 a day. To think, I could be giving someone else a $1.50 a day, and providing them with fresh water. Instead, mine runs down the drain, where no one will be saved by taking a sip.

Do your part. Make a difference. I'm trying to do mine - I'm fixing the leak, donating money to help dig wells in Africa, and praying for the people around the world in need.

You can pray, too. There are so many ways we can be involved. Find the one that ignites your heart, and go after it full force.

Cool websites to check out for World Water Day:
http://www.unwater.org/wwd07/flashindex.html
http://www.un.org/waterforlifedecade/
http://www.worldvision.org/
http://www.tapproject.org/

2007-03-19T07:58:00.000-04:00

So cool.

Life is so stinkin' cool. Which means that God is so cool because he designed this world, our lives, the rhythm and flow of this place.

Anyways, I arrive at work today to find that one of my friends who recently moved far away is now part of an online community to tell the truth about the TNIV Bible. And it's great to see people rallying together to help spread the word about what is truth about the TNIV, but even more touching is that personally, it feels good to have people who 'get it', and who are part of the bigger mission. (see the link to the right for TNIV Truth).

I am lucky to work on the TNIV as my job, but it is certainly also a personal mission. I want to follow after Jesus as though He is all that matters in this life. But sometimes it's hard to do when God's Word doesn't make sense. When archaic language gets in the way. When I read the Bible and don't see 'myself' in the text. But, the TNIV changed all that for me. God's Word is alive again, and I find myself digging in and wanting to soak it all up, wanting it to fill me. I haven't ever had that with any other Bible I've read.

So, I just think it's great how things come full circle. How my friend still gets to be involved with one of his big passions. How people around the globe are coming together to promote truth.

And how it's 8am Monday morning and unlike most of the general population, I am truly excited and glad to be sitting here at this desk.

2007-03-02T08:25:00.000-05:00

Today's Thoughts

"He knows the way that I take; when he has tested me, I will come forth as gold. My feet have closely followed his steps; I have kept to his way without turning aside." Job 23:10-11

Well, I get into work today and my TNIV verse of the day is the one above. How timely!

First, I certainly am not claiming any sort of life situations near to what Job experienced! But I am saying I find this verse so encouraging, no matter what the situation. Sometimes, life can get hard. We go through big trials (financially, spiritually, physically, or emotionally). It can seem that there is no end in sight. But don't forget, that in the midst of Job's darkest hours, he still believed in God's goodness, and in how God knew Job's heart and that he would come out the other side, refined by the fires. If you're currently going through a trial, count in all joy, my friends, because you have a great opportunity to grow closer to the heart of God. And you will be refined by the fire.

Sometimes, though, it's the little things. It's the little fight with the roommate, friend, spouse or colleague that leaves us annoyed or resentful. Or it's the small bumps in the road: a mid-term here, a presentation there, a night of tossing and turning and very little sleep. It's the hiccup in the bank account, the house not selling, the questioning of a job change decision. (My poor friend is dealing all three of those things all at once!) And we have a choice in how we respond to the little things. We can let them annoy us, change our attitude, how we treat others....or we can again, choose to believe that God knows our heart and he wants to refine us in all things. And that if we're diligent in the small things, we have a better chance of being diligent in the big things. How can I expect to have a good attitude and be joyful in big trials if I am not that way in the small ones?

So, I encourage you today, to look at trials of any sort as opportunities to grow closer to the heart of God.

Don't give up. He is with you. He sees your heart.

2007-02-24T15:08:00.000-05:00

Life is hard. It's so true, isn't it? It seems like one area or another is always out of sync. Tough decisions to make, loved ones to let go of, new ones waiting to be discovered, things to forgive, things to let go of and move on, things to accept, things to apologize for, people to meet, people to care for, details to get handled, phone calls to return, the list goes on...

I decided to give up stress for Lent. Is that even a valid choice? I mean this though - some stress is healthy, but certain levels are bad. And when we let circumstances affect our attitudes and our outlooks and our work ethic....that is when stress is bad and gets in the way.

So, I'm letting go.

I'm still making the tough decisions, having the financial curve balls thrown my way, and working through some emotional boundaries...but I'm choosing to not let it affect my attitude or my outlook on life.

Christe eleison.

2007-02-21T16:55:00.000-05:00

Egos

Isn't it amazing what happens when egos get in the way? I have been forced in the past week to deal with this alot - and I don't mean just the other people's egos. I have been confronted with my own.

Personally, 'grateful is the heart that is humbled' is my mantra these past few weeks. And it's true - I would rather be humbled and thus be closer to God, than to have him allow me to stay in my pride but fall farther away from his heart...

This journey can be lonely. It can be painful. It's not easy.

But, if we're journeying ever-closer to God's heart, it's all worth it. For in his heart we find love, grace, mercy, truth, and wholeness.

2007-01-26T16:21:00.000-05:00

A friend once told me "resting is the greatest act that we can do as christians. we rest in God and He does the work. it is the result of faith in the moment..."
Well, at a conference I was at this week, one of the biggest takeaways I had on a personal level was this idea of 'Sabbath''. Yes, it should be simple. As a Christian, I should understand what it means to take a Sabbath, but I have never really taken one.
I am taking one tomorrow morning. For the fist time in years, or perhaps really ever... I am going to Schuler's, getting some chai tea, and working through this list of questions:
1) What is it that gives me rest?
2) What is it that brings my soul peace?
3) What, for me, is life-giving?

Once I figure that out, then I move on to:
1) How do I incorporate this sabbath/rest into my life?
2) How do I sort my fragemented community out into more of a unified, cohesive movement?
3) How often/for how long do I need to take this sabbath?
For many, I am sure that this does not sound to you like a Sabbath. But for me, to be able to get away on my own, spend time wrestling with these big questions...it is truly something my soul needs and finds joy in.
So, to everyone, i encourage you to rest in God this weekend. Rest in him and let him put you back together...
-M

2007-01-21T17:22:00.000-05:00

I found this in my journal, back from November 5...

I had just found out that my best friend, and major support system, was moving far away. And I wrote this:

"One of my foundational influences is leaving.

First it was Cam.
Then Brad.
Now Ben.
Who's next?
Sarah? Kim? Jenny?

What do you have waiting for me? What are you preparing me for?"

Well, I still don't have an answer. One thing I do know is that I certainly have learned how to handle people leaving or moving much better than I did in the past. :0)

But sometimes I wonder how long it can last. I mean, how long can someone really remain one of your dearest friends when you are not a part of the intricacies of their everday life? Sometimes, I hear one of these friends saying things to me like "well, my friends agree..." or "my friends think this or that..." And I know this person isn't trying to exclude me as a friend in their life, but that language always begs the question "so...am I not one of your friends?" I am no longer included in that grouping.

But then, how many times do I talk to Jesus and say "well, my friends all advise me that I should do X, Y or Z..."
And how many times does he think "your friends? Melinda, am I not your heavenly father who knows infinitely what is best for you?"
----------------------------------------

Oh, and for all you avid readers, go pick up a copy of NT Wright's Simply Christian. A great book, I promise you.

-M

2007-01-14T20:16:00.000-05:00

Irony

Tonight, as I sat at Mars Hill, for the first time I missed Ben. I was overcome by the cruel irony of life: that I live in this city and take this church and Rob's teaching being so easily available to me for granted, and I do not go. Meanwhile, my best friend and his wife called Mars their home, and were loyal and faithful to the church. Now, life has called him to Seattle, WA. There, there is another Mars Hill church. But it's not this one. It's not their home.

I sat in my chair, wondering how on earth I got to be in the very place Ben & Amanda would most want to be, and am still taking it for granted...
-Melinda

2007-01-11T13:07:00.000-05:00

From the article the search for significance in the latest Radiant magazine:

"Based on my work among college women and young professionals, I will venture to say that the drive for significance in many young women today is rooted in the desperation to feel known and to know that our lives count."

Wow. All I can say to that is one big 'Amen!'

2007-01-08T19:04:00.000-05:00

Changes.

I feel as though a new season in my life is beginning. And that is so exciting!

Yet, while it is exciting, with something new often comes letting go of something else. And, in my case, this is sad. I can't reveal what the letting go is, or what changes may be ahead. All I know is that change, big change, is in my future.

But, it is good to do uncomfortable things. So I press on, trying to draw closer to my God through this season of change.

-Melinda

2007-01-08T07:43:00.001-05:00

Reading this passage in the Message was so refreshing, and so convicting, I thought i would share with you all...

Matthew 5:43-48 (The Message): "You're familiar with the old written law, 'Love your friend,' and its unwritten companion, 'Hate your enemy.' I'm challenging that. I'm telling you to love your enemies. Let them bring out the best in you, not the worst. When someone gives you a hard time, respond with the energies of prayer, for then you are working out of your true selves, your God-created selves. This is what God does. He gives his best—the sun to warm and the rain to nourish—to everyone, regardless: the good and bad, the nice and nasty. If all you do is love the lovable, do you expect a bonus? Anybody can do that. If you simply say hello to those who greet you, do you expect a medal? Any run-of-the-mill sinner does that."In a word, what I'm saying is, Grow up. You're kingdom subjects. Now live like it. Live out your God-created identity. Live generously and graciously toward others, the way God lives toward you."

2007-01-05T17:05:00.001-05:00

"God is neither above moral law nor below it. Rather, moral law is an expression of God's very being. And when we look at justice through this lens, we see that God is just and therefore acts justly. God can't suspend justice any more than God can cease being God."
-Miroslav Volf

2006-12-18T00:09:00.000-05:00

A Season of Doubt.

First off, let me say that taking a break from the online interactions was hugely beneficial. I highly recommend it!

I'll write more tomorrow, but I have to confess that right now, I am bogged down in an incredibly frustrating season of doubt. No one likes to doubt...doubt themselves, their abilities, their friends' loyalty, their future, their career choice, their talents, their faith...

But I find myself doubting all of these and more.

I pray God will reveal himself amidst this doubt. He is the only true hope I have. Come, Jesus, come.

2006-11-25T18:21:00.000-05:00

Taking a Break.

Not that many of you reading this will miss my non-insightful thoughts on the world :) but I wanted to just say that I am taking a break. A break from what, you ask? Good question. :)

A break from my online social communications. I really think that breaking from blogging, MySpacing, Facebooking, and IMing will really be good for me. I can't give up the email, or the phone, because those are vital to me. And I have to IM for work, so I guess I can't fully avoid that...but I need to retreat.

I need to create more space for God, and I honestly feel empty right now. I just don't have anything to give right now.

Alone.
Confused.
Empty.

Sometimes, I think I let the little things get in the way of the big things. Right now, life seems too big to grasp, and I fill my time with everything but Jesus. I need to change that, and I need to focus on him more. Without Him in me, I have nothing in me to offer to anyone. I want to be a good friend, and a good colleague. Currently, I don't possess the strength to be either.

I am still here, and am not going anywhere; but overall, i don't have the strength to reach out and so I am turning inward. I don't know what result this will produce, but I know that the most important thing to me is being where God wants me to be, and currently, I am not even seeking him to find out.

So I guess, um, see you all, sometime, when i return to this blog....someday....

2006-11-24T22:25:00.000-05:00

A Friend

So, I have a dear friend who has a blog and every so often he posts about his friends and family who are dear to him. I used to threaten him that I would be so mad if he ever used my name on his blog; but to be honest, it was a self-defense mechanism. I guess I figured that I wouldn't have to be hurt that he never mentioned me if I had told him not to...

And like a true friend, Cam respected my wishes. Mostly... :)

Cam has been on my heart lately, and I feel the need to tell you what my defintion of a true friend is. Cam is one of the best examples of that. Let me introduce you to one of the best friends I have ever known...

Cam is the kind of guy who lights up a room. His laugh is treasured by all those who hear it - they think of Cam and they think of laughter and good times. I worked with him when he was here, and was lucky enough to have my officle across from his. It made for great fun when we could make faces at each other when Ben came by or when a crazy media call came in. Or when I was just being weird and dancing to my music.

But what I think of and treasure most about Cam is his dedication. When I met Cam, I was just finding out who I really was. I was free from past stereotypes, God was taking control of my heart in a big way, and I was still walking the line of being who my parents wanted me to be versus who I wanted to be. As I went on my journey, slowly Cam became a part of it and was always the first to be there to support me when I made a tough decision or encourage me when I felt stuck.

Then one day, Cam wasn't at work. And another. And when he was back, he wasn't himself. It was the start of his painful journey of divorce. And it was so hard to watch: the life would slip out of him and he went to great lengths to fight, to hold on, and to heal.

Before him, I never had any divorced friends. God used Cam to show me what being labeled 'divorced' should and should not look like. And yet, despite Cam going through the most hellish ordeal of his life, he was always there for his friends. He always gave time to me, no matter what was going on in his world.

Before I met Cam and my other close friends, it is fair to say I was a self-focused, self-absorbed person. But Cam showed me what it means to stick by others and to think of them first. And I realized I wanted to be that kind of person, that kind of friend.

If you look at the links on the right of this page, you will see Cameron's blog. He is author of a book that tells of his journey through divorce, called With or Without You. Friends, I highly recommend you follow his journey. He has an incredible heart and an incredible spirit, and your life will be enriched to know his story...

2006-11-22T11:57:00.000-05:00

I work at the best company:

A simple prayer. A simple recognition.
Being rewarded for hard work with an extra half day off in December.
Flexible hours to meet our lifestyle needs.

Could they be any better to us? Z is a great place to work, and I need to remember to be grateful for that every single day.

Last night, as I was searching inside of myself, connecting my heart with my head, a friend gave me a great part of a verse: Psalm 73.28 "the nearness of God is my good" (NASB).
After dialoguing a little about that, I understood more of what it meant. It's a beautiful Psalm, and I will excerpt a portion below (from the TNIV). :)

Ps 73:25 Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
26 My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
27 Those who are far from you will perish; you destroy all who are unfaithful to you.
28 But as for me, it is good to be near God. I have made the Sovereign Lord my refuge; I will tell of all your deeds.

I want God to be my portion forever. May he be your portion this Thanksgiving, as you gather together and create community, whether with family or friends.

Make time to be still.
And rest in that stillness.

2006-11-21T23:38:00.000-05:00

Enough.

Does anyone else here love irony? Tonight I called one of my closest friends, one of the people God has used to show me love and community and true friendship. I wanted to talk to him, I missed, I wanted to encourage him.

Instead, after some time hearing about him and his world, he ends up encouraging me. He speaks truth to me, that I am enough. Just as I am. I don't have to be anything more, I am enough as I am.

God ministered to me in those words. Let them be enough for you too.

You are enough. Just as you are.
-M

2006-11-21T15:15:00.000-05:00

So, I am trying to post more frequently, daily if possible, because it challenges me and stretches me. Not only in hopefully improving my writing, but in forcing myself to share who I am with the world. I want to know, and be known. My hope is that this blog is a place for me to connect with you and with God, and a place for you to connect with each other and to find encouragement. So here goes, my thoughts for today:

"Father which way do you want me to go? I cannot clearly see…"
These words echo in me. I send them out to God each day...because each day is in the living, and the being led moment by moment. And someday I will hear these words on earth, while for now I hear them from my heavenly Father: "You don’t have to be strong, you’re not alone in this anymore."

I am so glad I am not alone.

And yet, this weekend, my roommate moved out and I found myself alone on Sunday, doing mundane chores around the house.

I raked the lawn and cleaned gutters for 3 hours, cleaned out the fireplace and prepared the next fire for when I return from Thanksgiving holiday. I vacuumed and dusted the house, painted my old roommates bedroom so it is ready as a guest room, made the bed in there, cleaned out the closet, added empty hangers for guests to use, and scrubbed/cleaned the guest bathroom.

And while I realized that I would rather have been in the presence of good friends, or sitting inside drinking hot cocoa, I found so many spiritual insights in the basic work I did yesterday.

First, as I raked the leaves and cleaned the gutters in preparation for the winter, I thought about how without tender care, my lawn would die and not be protected for the winter. God has given me the responsibility of caring for his creation, and that includes the land I live on. I need to take care of it, to show my gratitude to God for his gifts, and to be responsible with what he entrusted to me.

Cleaning out the fireplace reminded me how something so beautiful and radiant can also leave behind an ugly mess. And it challenged me to not be fooled by outward appearances of people; no matter how beautiful they can appear to be, some people can come into our lives and leave a mess behind. But God can restore, and he can help us scrub the black away, and prepare for a new fire to be lit in our heart.

As I prepared the guest room, it made me realize how much I love taking care of people. I cherish the idea of inviting people into my home, and making them comfortable while they stay. It's one of the reasons I have a house, because I like taking people in and hope they leave with their hearts just a little bit fuller.

Basically, Sunday came down to mind over matter. I can choose to sit inside and waste time feeling sorry for myself, for not knowing where I am meant to be going in this life, for not having anyone to share this home with, for having too much stinking homework to do and not knowing where to start...

Or I can say, God, you have given me much, and for much I owe you. I will take these gifts and responsibilities, and cherish them. I want to be diligent in the small things so I can be diligent in the big things. You ask this of me, and I gladly submit.

When you find yourself alone, doing a mundane chore or task, remember the reasons we have them. Contemplate on the joy that comes from simply doing tasks as a thank you to God for what he has given you.

And don't forget to light that fire at the end of the day, and enjoy some moments in reflection and relaxation...

2006-11-20T23:34:00.000-05:00

Restore me. (A prayer).

Lord, I need you. This heart; it is nothing without you. I am waiting. Waiting. Waiting.

Enter in. Take this life, Lord. I want to be wholly yours. Help me to give to others even when I am tired, to serve you when I don't feel like it, to love those I meet, and to see you in unlikely places and people.

I love you, Lord. Though my spirit feels wane, and my body is tired, and my heart is even now faltering...I know you walk beside me. You give me treasures unheard of: a beautiful house to make a home and welcome people to, friends who love me, a family who will not leave, wonderful half-sisters I didn't know for 23 years, a birth mom who gave up her 'life' for me, a prayer support network few can dream of...nothing can take those away.

And yet, I feel restless. I look around me, and I see people with direction. People who have a clear future and a clear path to walk. And I admit, I am envious. I want to know where you want me so I can do your work!

Yet, there; there you are. You come and remind me that daily, by choosing you, I am right where you want me. You are revealing yourself even now, and you will lead me in the paths you want me to travel. Give me peace each day as I look to you for guidance.

Ah, there is it. Rest.

Restore me, Lord.

Restore me.

Restore me.

Amen.